Wherein I ask the tough questions, like, “Why on Earth would I begin a blog entry with the word ‘wherein?’’

All right, it’s been a little while since I posted, so here are the reality TV questions that have haunted me lately:

1. What did Shaq just say?  No, it’s not that I can’t understand the words that he’s saying; I’m just having trouble figuring out what he means or, more often, why he said it in the first place.  I’ve begun watching “Shaq’s Big Challenge”, wherein (damn it, I’ve really got to cut that out) basketball great and star of Kazaam Shaquille O’Neal conquers the problem of childhood obesity by helping a half dozen kids lose weight.  “Helping” may be too strong a term since Shaq always seems to have other obligations when it comes to the day-to-day assisting of the kids with their programs, but I’m not going to quibble with that.  Any kind of help is a good step; also, Shaq is huge and can easily crush me.

In the first episode, Shaq argues with one of the kids about what kind of donut is the best kind.  Shaq thinks Boston Crème, while one of the kids says crullers are better than the B.C.  Shaq’s response?  “No they’re not!”  Seriously, he starts a debate on donuts and takes a firm stand against crullers.  But, memo to ABC, I’d totally watch “Donut Debate with Shaquille O’Neal.”  Like, every night.

Also, Shaq is show footage of one of the kids eating four slices of pizza during a meal (and dipping each piece in garlic butter as he does), and the dietician asks Shaq how many pieces he eats when he has pizza.  Shaq just smiles guiltily because he doesn’t feel like saying, “I’m the Big Aristotle.  I eat all the pizza I want!” and then instead of, say, talking to the kid about changing his eating habits or, I don’t know, doing … anything, Shaq just says something like, “You’ve got a lot of work to do.”  Thanks for the help, Mr. O’Neal.  Whose name is on this show, by the way?

Really, though, the best example of Shaq quote confusion was when he spoke of one of the kids no longer participating, and said, “If Kit drops out, I’ve failed the system.”  What “system?”  No idea.  Why has Shaq failed this supposed system if one of the kids drops out?  Not a clue.

2. Is Johnny V on “Scott Baio is 45 and Single” the most loathsome person on reality TV? True, I’ve only been through one episode of this (known as “The New Chachi Show” in my apartment), and it was a little depressing, but what I took away most from the show was that Johnny V, Scott Baio’s wingman, is a new low in the midst of horrible reality show people.

First off, Scott Baio needs a wingman like I need more sarcasm.  By all accounts, Baio has done pretty well for somebody who hasn’t been the star of a movie in a quarter century (hello, Zapped!) and whose last steady TV gig ended during Clinton’s first term (I don’t count Bob Loblaw on Arrested Development as a steady gig, though it was awesome).  He’s done quite well for himself, and he’s the kind of famous where if there were two women together and he only wanted to hit on one, he could tell the other woman to go away and get away with it.  Or he could take them both home if he felt like it.  Because, if you haven’t heard, he is Charles, and he is in charge.

So he has no need for a wingman.  His wingman needs him.  And from the attitude of Johnny V, his wingman needs him a whole lot.  This guy seems to be weaseling his way into Baio’s life left, right and center, and he gave the worst “lets get out of here” excuse I’ve ever seen.  It was so easy to see through, even a fan-distracted Erin Moran caught on.

Reality show or not, Baio seems to be doing an admirable thing, trying to get a little perspective on his life and figure out how to make his relationships work better, but Johnny V is not having this, because it means less strippers and Diagnosis Murder groupies for him.  (There’s probably some Diagnosis Murder groupie somewhere, right?)  He’s pretty awful, and we’re only one episode in.  Best of luck, Johnny.

3. How did Patti Novak get to be so awesome? Easily the best dating show on TV right now, “Confessions of a Matchmaker” is great because of its title character, Buffalo matchmaker Patti Novak.  This is not some dating show where somebody tells you to find the best you inside of you and then she instructs you on positive thinking and that “Secret” book that from the cover looks like it’s a third-rate Harry Potter knockoff. 

Nope, Patti gives it to you straight.  If you’ve got bad hair, Patti tells you to get a better cut or she’s not going to work with you.  If you’re kind of a wuss, Patti’s going to tell you to grow a set if you want to find real love.  And if you’re thirtysomething and you talk in a little girl voice like you’re fwee yeaws owd … well, Patti’s going to make sure that you don’t do that ever again.

I did the online dating thing, I did the friends set-up thing, I did the meeting people in bars thing.  None of them are all that fun, and I think people would kill to have somebody tell them to their faces what little things they need to do to make dating a much better experience.  (Thankfully, Patti never talked to my beautiful wife, and so she was able to lower her standards just enough to let a snarky playwright into the picture.)  Patti’s best piece of advice, though?  It’s a date, not a job interview.  You’re getting to know somebody, not grilling them on their suitability for a position.

One of the coolest parts of the show is that you get to see Patti instruct the dater, then you watch the date, and then you hear Patti (and, often, the dater’s) commentary on it.  People often screw up and go back to their old ways, but once in a while somebody actually takes Patti’s advice, and, shocker!, it works out well for them.

And finally,

4. Is there anything funnier than Jean Marc Genereaux on “So You Think You Can Dance” screaming “THAT’S PASO DOBLE!!” from the audience?

Answer: Not in this lifetime.