Every year at about this time some clever person comes up with a ‘Top 5 or 10 Most Romantic Movies’ list. In honor of the writers’ strike (which has stiffed us with an inordinate amount of reality shows in place of quality TV) and for all the people who really can’t stand Valentine’s Day… how about the ‘Top 5 Least Romantic Reality Shows’?

Quick note: there is no scientific basis for this list. It is simply a collection of shows that couldn’t possibly inspire amorous feelings after watching them.

1. How Clean Is Your House? (BBC): Post-menopausal British women expose extreme slobs by doing stuff like sniffing pet stool and urine stains in the ratty carpet of unkempt homes. Enough said.
2. Wife Swap (ABC):Two diametrically opposed women switch lives by making a stranger’s family just as miserable as their own. Are there any other stereotypes of women out there besides the doormat mom or self-absorbed shrew?
3. Cops (FOX): Wife beaters, crack whores, sloppy drunks and meth heads. It’s a how-to manual for singles on who not to get involved with.
4. Bridezillas (WE): They’re spoiled, demanding and borderline delusional women yet somehow they’ve convinced some poor slob to marry them and be grateful for it.
5. Jon & Kate+8 (Discovery Health): Super nice people, terrifying number of children under the age of 8. It’s video birth control.