(Make sure to check out TV Envy’s Programming Schedule.)

• House (FOX, 8 p.m.):  “House and Cuddy confront the workplace ramifications of their relationship.” If the show tanks after this pairing, it’s all on them.
• Hoarders (A&E, 10 p.m.):  “A teacher takes her hoarding lifestyle into the classroom.” Some call that hoarding, others call that an oversized class.
• Weeds (Showtime, 10 p.m.):  “To retrieve her kidnapped son, Nancy has a showdown with Cesar in a Skee-Ball museum.” The one with the most Chuck E. Cheese tickets in the end wins.

TUESDAY (9/28)

Season premieres: Billy the Exterminator, The Good Wife, No Ordinary Family, Stargate Universe

• Glee (FOX, 8 p.m.):  “Will doesn’t want the kids to do a Britney Spears routine.” He doesn’t want people questioning whether they are actually singing live.
• 19 Kids and Counting (TLC, 9 p.m.):  “The family gets settled back into a daily routine now that the everyone is back home.” You know what that means: Time to start making Baby #20!
• Life Unexpected (CW, 9 p.m.):  “Cate unknowingly eats banana bread that contains marijuana.” She never thought bananas and pot would pair so well.

Season premieres: Law & Order: Los Angeles

• Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.):  “Cameron and Mitchell debate the merits of public displays of affection.” Being filmed in bed with George Clooney doesn’t count.
• Cougar Town (ABC, 9:30 p.m.):  “Travis’ imminent departure for college is a difficult transition for Jules.” The thought of him leaving is driving her to giving her an actual reason to drink.
• Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo, 10 p.m.):  “The contestants try to make the grade by competing in a bake sale to raise funds for a high-school pep squad and glee club.” Will Schuester and Sue Sylvester will agree to a truce for the special occasion.

• $#*! My Dad Says (CBS, 8:30 p.m.):  “Henry wants to install a wireless Internet connection in the house, but Ed refuses to let him.” He doesn’t want Twitter users Big Brother to know everything he’s #@%^&*% saying.
• Outsourced (NBC, 9:30 p.m.):  “After completing employee evaluations, Todd receives orders to fire someone on his staff.” He then hires someone from the States to do the firing for him.
• Private Practice (ABC, 10 p.m.):  “Pete and Cooper clash over a pot-smoking patient (Justine Bateman).” Pete insists she’s related to Jason Bateman but Cooper doesn’t think they look anything alike.

Season premieres: Human Target, Teach: Tony Danza

• Medium (CBS, 8 p.m.):  “As she probes a spate of slayings, Allison begins noticing bizarre symbols materializing above folks’ heads and concludes the floating figures could be a mechanism to match people up with their soul mates.” Things brings a whole new meaning to Match.com.
• Victorious (Nickelodeon, 8:30 p.m.):  “Tori learns that her friends are on a table-tennis team, yet they know very little about the game.” Their days spent at Wii Sports Resort should be useful for something.
• Teach: Tony Danza (A&E, 10 p.m.):  “This seven-part series follows actor Tony Danza as he teaches sophomore English at Philadelphia’s Northeast High School.” Lesson #1: Introducing the kids to all of the fictional characters named “Tony” in history.

Season premieres: America’s Funniest Home Videos, American Dad, CSI: Miami, Law & Order: UK, The Next Iron Chef

• Family Guy (FOX, 9 p.m.):  “Rush Limbaugh (who provides his own voice) signs books at the Quahog Mall and gains a convert: the formerly liberal Brian, a development that riles Lois.” She’s still having a hard time understanding why her favorite singer—Elton John—buddied up with Limbaugh as well.
• CSI: Miami (CBS, 10 p.m.):  “The ninth season begins with Horatio’s team losing one of its members when violence follows a psychotic genius.” It’s the same villain who conspired to move them to Sunday nights.
• Brothers & Sisters (ABC, 10 p.m.):  “Luc’s career as an underwear model takes off at a launch party.” Note: This doesn’t say “takes underwear off.” (I already made that mistake.)