(Make sure to check out TV Envy’s Programming Schedule.)

• The Closer (TNT, 9pm):  “Brenda reopens a murder case when it’s surmised that a father may have offered a false confession to cover for his schizophrenic son. Sosie Bacon (daughter of Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick) guest stars.” Thanks to the Bernie Madoff scam, the whole Bacon family is now being put to work.
• Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9pm):  “Jon stays home to oversee kitchen renovations while Kate and the kids head to the beach as the series returns with its first all-new episode after a five-week hiatus spurred by a marital breakup.” The show will be followed by a new series: Jon Plus His 8 Dates.
• Making His Band (MTV, 10pm):  “The finalists move into their new pad and tensions arise between the trained musicians and those who were self-taught.” There are some who are born talented, there are some who are taught. Then there are those who buy record companies and call themselves singers.
• Weeds (Showtime, 10pm):  “Coworkers Celia and Dean develop a new marketing scheme after discovering they have a surplus of product.” Who knew one had to create a need for weed?

• Hell’s Kitchen (FOX, 8pm):  “Dinner service, Drew Lachey, John O’Hurley, Tom Green, Melinda Clarke, Chris ‘Kid’ Reid and Kristy Swanson are among the diners being served cold and salty food.” D-listers will take advantage of free food wherever they can get it.
• NYC Prep (Bravo, 9pm):  “Jesse confronts PC about his hard-partying ways.” Had there been actual parents on the show, that job would go to them.
• The Colony (Discovery, 10pm):  “The pursuit of a hot shower renders the colonists vulnerable to a massive attack that could impact their long-term survival.” So they might die—but at least they’ll be clean.
• Rescue Me (FX, 10pm):  “A trash-talking woman (Maura Tierney) shows up at the firehouse looking for a date.” Someone please get back to me and let me know if that works.

• Giuliana & Bill (Style, 9pm):  Series premiere. “Giuliana DePandi and Bill Rancic make plans to move into their new home in Chicago.” This makes paint drying on Big Brother sound appealing.
• Gordon Ramsay’s F Word (BBC, 9pm):  “Meat Loaf challenges the host to top his tuna bake.” Meat Loaf makes tuna? What’s next—Colonel Sanders rolling sushi?
• Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10pm):  “The five remaining masters beef up the proceedings when they cook burgers. Filmmaker Morgan Spurlock makes an appearance.” This is one meal he won’t be able to supersize for an extra $1.
• Michael & Michael Have Issues (Comedy, 10:30pm):  “Michael Ian Black fails to do his share of work for the show, leaving Michael Shoalwater to pick up the slack.” Black was too busy offering his thoughts on VH1’s I Love the 00’s.

• Lottery Changed My Life (TLC, 8pm):  “Profiling a Boy Scout who won the lottery and bet his fortune on the stock market.” HIs newfound wealth made it easier for girls to overlook the khaki uniform.
• Skins (BBC, 9pm):  Season premiere. “A new schoolyear begins at Roundview College and Pandora is determined to lose her virginity.” I don’t think anybody wants to be blamed for getting that one started.
• Burn Notice (USA, 9pm):  “A contact seeks to gain Michael’s attention through extreme measures.” Instead of sending Michael a private message, he put a note up on his public wall.
• LA Ink (TLC, 10pm):  “The crew try to make Aubry feel welcome, hoping it will ease tensions in the shop.” Maybe they should follow Diddy’s lead and kick anyone named “Aubrey” out.

• Monk (USA, 9pm):  Season premiere. “Monk plays bodyguard to a former child star who receives death threats after releasing a tell-all book. The job turns sour for Monk, however, after he learns she’s unlike the character she played on TV.” He didn’t realize Britney Spears had evolved from her squeaky clean years on the Mickey Mouse Club.
• Eureka (Syfy, 9pm):  “A strange structure comprised of electronics and scrap metal is assembled in a field by Eureka’s teenagers, who appear to have been manipulated while they were sleeping.” The residents were more surprised by the teens’ productivity than the structure itself.
• Psych (USA, 10pm):  Season premiere. “Shawn and Gus meet an elusive art thief (Cary Elwes) while skiing in Vancouver and discover he’s not what he seems.” He’s not the real Dread Pirate Roberts—the title was just passed down to him.
• Sex in the Ancient World (History, 10pm):  “Egypt is examined. Included: a 3,000-year-old papyrus that may be pornographic in nature.” In other news, Larry Flynt announced the acquisition of valuable artifact.

• Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? (ABC, 8pm):  Series return. “Regis Philbin returns to host an 11-night ‘10th anniversary’ edition of the game show that created a sensation when it debuted in August 1999.” Those lucky enough to hit the million dollar mark will be treated to a Bollywood number from Philbin himself.
• Bridezillas (We, 9pm):  “A brides asks her fiance to sell his blood to finance her expensive hair treatment.” In her defense, she didn’t want to start their marriage on credit.
• Jesse James is a Dead Man (Spike, 10pm):  “Jesse tries to escape from a burning vehicle before he attempts to set a personal land-speed record in the Mojave Desert.” Both challenges proved to be far easier than working with Clint Black.
• Roast of Joan Rivers (Comedy, 10pm):  “Kathy Griffin hosts this salute to Joan Rivers. Roasters include Carl Reiner, Lily Tomlin, Greg Giraldo, Jeffrey Ross, Mario Cantone, Robin Quivers, Gilbert Gottfried and Richard Belzer.” The event ended awkwardly when a tearful Melissa Rivers ran out to defend her mother.