(You can view TV Envy’s Summer Television Programming Schedule here.)

Tonight’s Finales: The Big Bang Theory, Bones, CSI: Miami, Gossip Girl, How I Met Your Mother, One Tree Hill, Paradise Hotel 2, Rules of Engagement, Two and a Half Men

• Gossip Girl (CW, 8pm):  “Blair comes to Serena’s defense and faces off with Georgina.” Well, I don’t think this is a fair fight at all. Georgina’s got mad Buffy skills!
• Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8pm):  Will it come down to the Olympic gold medalist, NFL’s Man of the Year or the Chilean actor? Never underestimate a man who telenovela fans supporting him.
• How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30pm):  “Ted has an accident, and his close call with death finds him reevaluating his life and his relationship with Stella.” Yeah, I have no idea how he’s going to share her with Zach Braff either.
• The Bachelorette (ABC, 9pm):  Season premiere. “DeAnna Pappas, the finalist who was spurned in 2007 by Brad Womack, is now dispensing the roses herself.” Why would anyone want to win if losing meant headlining your own show?

TUESDAY (5/20)

Tonight’s Finales: Dancing with the Stars, NCIS, Reaper, Shark

• American Idol Finale (FOX, 8pm):  David Cook and David Archuleta are clearly not going for the same target audience.  Just let them split it.
• NCIS (CBS, 9pm):  “The agents are all at risk as they search for a killer who took the life of of one of their own.” Why am I only interested in watching when I know someone is going to die?
• Reaper (CW, 9pm):  “Sock finds himself falling for a female demon.” NOTE: If you date a demon, you are not allowed to call them irrational or temperamental later.
• Shark (CBS, 10pm):  “Sebastian’s nemesis, convicted murderer Wayne Calllison, escapes from prison and threatens to take revenge by harming Julie.” Should someone tell Wayne the show’s been cancelled? He might not feel as motivated.

Tonight’s Finales: American Idol, Boston Legal, Criminal Minds, CSI: New York, Law & Order

• American Idol (FOX, 8pm):  Regardless of the announcement, count on Archuleta to have an aw-shucks expression on his face.
• Criminal Minds (CBS, 9pm):  “The BAU is called to New York to determine if a series of random shootings are the work of a single serial killer.” Does this mean the CSIs of the city are not doing their job?
• Law & Order (NBC, 10pm):  The show will be airing its 18th season finale tonight. The babies born at the start of this series can now be tried as adults.
• Top Chef: Chicago (Bravo, 10pm):  “The contest sizzles when the chefs must labor through a hectic breakfast rush at a greasy spoon.” Thank goodness Andrew is already gone.  His knowledge of nutrition would not apply here.

Tonight’s Finales: Grey’s Anatomy, Ugly Betty

• Ugly Betty (ABC, 8pm):  “Mode faces Naomi Campbell and the staff of Elle magazine in a charity softball game.” I hear that supermodel’s got a great throw.
• So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, 8pm):  Season Four begins. I just realized what Dancing with the Stars needs—an audition phase!
• Grey’s Anatomy (ABC, 9pm):  “Meredith and Derek have one last chance at a positive outcome in in their clinical trial.” The viewers are counting on their those results.
• Last Comic Standing (NBC, 9:30):  Season Six auditions begin. So is it actually amusing to watch people who aren’t funny?

• Cheaper by the Dozen (FOX, 8pm):  “Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt star in this comedy about ambitious Midwestern parents trying to balance their burgeoning careers with their 12 kids.” Parents everywhere are now dreading the end of the school year.
• Mobile Home Disaster (CMT, 9pm):  “A falling apart mobile home from 1973 is restored for a family of three.” Why restore? I think the folks at Extreme Makeover: Home Edition would just call that a tear down.
• True Hollywood Story (E!, 9pm):  “The Pussycat Dolls are the focus.” We already know that main chick does all the singing—what else is there to learn?
• Man vs. Wild (Discovery, 9pm):  “Bear faces his second week living in Indonesia, sleeping in trees and navigating across waterfalls and sheer cliffs, surrounded by devastation wrought by the 2004 tsunami.” If he was an actual bear this craziness might make sense.

• Meerkat Manor: The Story Begins (Animal Planet, 8pm):  “Whoopi Goldberg narrates this tribute to Flower the meerkat.” Maybe if we’re lucky, Flower will be able to temporarily possess Goldberg’s body.
• Shark Swarm (Hallmark, 8pm):  “A corrupt developer tries to drive out residents of a small fishing village by dumping toxic waste in the water to stall the economy. But when the local sharks find their food source depleted, they begin violently attacking humans.”  I’m confused - this is the Hallmark channel?  The same channel that airs 7th Heaven and Touched by an Angel?
• Ax Men (History Channel, 10pm):  “A recap of the first season.”  Smart move on their part. I’ve never been without anything to watch until now.
• Viva Hollywood (VH1, 10pm):  “The four remaining contestants each shoot their own scandalous video ala Paris Hilton or David Hasselhoff.” Well that should take about 5 minutes to complete. What are they gonna do for the rest of hour?