From time to time I feel the need to pen (or type, really) a little bit of television-related correspondence, but I don’t always have the right email addresses.  So why don’t I use the column inches I’m generous granted here to catch up on a few memos I’ve been meaning to write?  (Don’t worry, that’s a rhetorical question.)  Here goes:

To the voting viewers of So You Think You Can Dance: I’m going to ignore the fact that you actually call in and vote, though it still puzzles me, even after all the American Idol votes, that people actually do that (and I’m totally going to get dinged by one of my best friend who I think actually does vote).  Anyway, I’m going to ignore that and say thank you for voting for Sabra.  I liked, not loved, the show, but I really enjoyed it when Sabra danced.  She just seemed more fun, more watchable than the other finalists, but I can’t give you a good reason why.  Can’t tell you why anymore than I can tell you why Mary Murphy is ... like she is.  I liked Sabra and she won and that’s always a nice moment when you’re watching a reality show.

Oh, also Sabra’s hair is pretty awesome, so that helps.

To the executives at HBO: You recently decided to cancel John From Cincinnati after one season and to renew Flight of the Conchords for a second season.  You deserve many thanks for making the absolute right decision.  (Yes, I know they renewed Entourage but I don’t watch Entourage, mostly because five minutes after I’ve ever watched an episode of Entourage, I’ve completely forgotten what the episode was about.  And, seriously, I can recite chapter and verse of Buffy and Lost episodes.)

I’ve grown to flat out love Flight of the Conchords and I ... well, I never hated John From Cincinnati, I just grew bored and restless watching it.  It’s not that I wanted them to answer all the questions they posed; I’m a big ol’ Lost defender, so to demand that sort of thing would be hypocrisy.  No, I wanted ... something of substance there.  I wanted better acting, more interesting subject matter, a ... honestly, I wanted another Deadwood.  Not another foul-mouthed western starring Ian McShane, but a show that would take subject matter that didn’t automatically interest me and fill it with fascinating, well-acted characters, crackling dialogue, and stories that touch on much greater themes than the plots would suggest.  John From Cincinnati didn’t do that for me.  I watched the whole season because I trust the brilliance of David Milch, and I’ll watch his next show most definitely, but this one was a miss to me.

Flight of the Conchords, on the other hand, is a big hit.  It’s a deadpan musical comedy (which is not something you hear about very often) and I would put it up there with The Office, 30 Rock, and Extras as one of the few shows that make me laugh out loud watching it.  The warm-up tour, the fact that they have one obsessed fan (who’s married), the band meetings with Murray, the brilliant joke about purchasing stars as a way of buying property and then having it explode in a supernova ... several million years ago.  The funny never ends.  Nice work, HBO!

To Scott Baio, Johnny V and Jason Hervey: Just ... stop.  At the beginning of the season I used to like you, Baio, and, I still had residual good feelings toward you, Hervey, because I used to get compared to Fred Savage when Wonder Years was on, and I, like everybody else, can’t stand you, Johnny V.  But now seven weeks in, I’m sick of all of you.  I’m tired of you acting like a victim, Baio.  Nobody’s forcing you to settle down, just do it or don’t.  Really, everybody who’s married is miserable? Come on, dude.  Plus, Mr. Producer Hervey, stop acting like nothing is staged when Johnny V just “happens” to show up at Baio’s house when the life coach is talking about said Johnny V.  And Johnny V ... you’re still pretty awful.  So work on it, gentlemen.

To Rock of Love: Keep doing what you’re doing.  Don’t change one skanky hair for me (not if you care for me).

And finally, to the Emmy Voters: Seriously, Boston Legal, Grey’s Anatomy and Heroes are better shows than Lost?  Seriously??  The shows with Shatner, McDreamy, and Ali Larter talking to herself are better than Locke getting pushed out the window, Sawyer killing Locke’s dad, Ben shaking the rabbit, and Jack and Kate getting off the island?  What the hell, dudes?

Sincerely,
David L. Williams