Having been so negative for a few weeks, I thought I would take this week to be all about accentuating the positive, being a gigantic cheerleader for summer reality shows.  Like Poison so sagely warned us, though, all of these roses will have a few thorns, but I’ll try to get past them.  Oh, and Poison also taught us that you can unashamedly rhyme the words “tonight” and “all night” (because that’s when they wanted action and satisfaction, respectively).  Here are some of the reality shows I’ve been watching and why you should join me.

Engaged and Underage: This show has returned for a second season, thankfully, and it does what some of the best MTV reality shows do: build up your self-esteem.  How does it do that?  Because the show’s not about you, the home viewer, and you can feel extra good that that’s true.

This show is basically eighteen to twenty-two year olds who are planning their wedding, often much to the dismay of their parents, friends, etc.  They’re convinced that everybody is wrong and that they’re right.  Those of you who are reading this and are over the age of twenty-two, think back to those years in your life.  Were you, like me, much dumber than you are right now?  Yes.  And though it sucks a little to get old, isn’t it good to be out of those years?  Yes.  And even though you were dumb back then, aren’t you glad you didn’t make a huge mistake and get married then?  Of course you are.  See how that raised your self-esteem?

Before I get comments, let me note that, yes, some people do get married at a very young age and have a wonderful, productive and divorce-free life.  But when an eighteen year old in a crappy metal band gets married to an eighteen year old who died her hair red, black and white to match her wedding colors … well, things don’t look good for the future.

The thorn?  MTV really needs to start subtitling the conversations of sullen teenagers who don’t enunciate even a little bit.  “Idontlikeyourmusicbecauseallofitsoundsthesametome.”  What now?

My Super Sweet Sixteen: This MTV staple is back too, and I couldn’t be happier.  All of us non-rich people like to believe that rich people are horrible human beings and they don’t deserve the money they have.  Though this is often not true, for the half hour that My Super Sweet Sixteen is on it becomes gospel truth.

The show is so one-sided to foment hate in its viewers that it feels like some sort of 19th century melodrama, with a sneering villain, twisting his mustache, showered by a chorus of boos.  Only in this case, the villain who is forcing Nells pay the rent (even though she can’t pay the rent, though she must pay the rent) is a fifteen year old spoiled brat from Miami who is furious with her mom for giving her a $70,000 car on the wrong day.  That was her major issue with getting a car as a gift.  That’s just … wow.

The thorn?  MTV is now having a contest where they’re going to give a “lucky” teenager her own super sweet sixteen entirely produced by MTV.  No!  Don’t ruin non-rich kids by giving them the crazy rich people treatment!  Now it’s not fun anymore.

Last Comic Standing: In a summer devoid of new sitcoms, this is often a very funny show.  Well, not Ant, but the other judges and a lot of the contestants.  Plus, now that they are going international with the show, so you’re getting talent from other countries (well, English-speaking countries).  I think this will help redeem the Australian comedy reputation, which to most of us begins and ends with Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.

The thorn? Often the show just plain sucks at putting the right comedians on.  Case in point: the brilliant, hilarious Jimmy Pardo, whose Never Not Funny podcast is a highlight of my week.  That he wasn’t sent on to the semifinals and finals is beyond me.

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List & Top Chef: Two fantastic Bravo shows. Can’t say enough good things about them.  The recent episode dealing with Kathy’s father’s death was a moving, funny, amazing piece of television.  And Top Chef’s challenges are always very cool and the show makes you hungry watching it.

The thorn? I don’t know.  Maybe the geoduck clams from the first episode of this season of Top Chef.  Those things are scary.

Hell’s Kitchen: It’s incompetent food service workers getting yelled at and insulted comically by somebody who’s much more skilled than they are.  I don’t know about you, but that’s pure entertainment for me.  Oh, also, there’s this incredibly serious narrator who doesn’t seem to understand that he’s narrating for a gimmicky reality show (or maybe he does and he’s just a genius): “But they don’t serve Dover Sole at the waffle house.”  Say that in low tones with the seriousness you would give a natural disaster, and that’s a good impression of the fantastic narration of the show.

The thorn?  Aaron’s gone and so is his intriguing brand of crazy.  As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, he will be missed.

Pirate Master: This is an easy one: on a recent episode, a new captain was named and that person immediately began speaking with a fake British accent for no reason other than that he was now captain of a fake pirate ship.  What?  That’s not a reason for you to watch a show?  Let me explain better:

SOMEONE JUST STARTED SPEAKING WITH A BRITISH ACCENT FOR NO REASON.  How often does that happen on your American Idols, your Survivors, your Amazing Races?  Never.  Forget all of the adventures and the made-up treasures; this show is just a bizarre social experiment that causes borderline-crazy behavior in others.  And how could you not watch that?

As for thorns … I don’t know.  Maybe you don’t like seeing people go slightly insane on a boat.  But who doesn’t love that?