Monday Night RAW kicked off tonight with a surprise appearance from Friday Night Smackdown’s World Heavyweight Champion, Batista. How long has Batista been doing this? He is still an absolute nightmare on the microphone. He delivers all of his lines with the excitement of a brick and the cadence of Christopher Walken. Thank god for an equally surprising appearance by The Undertaker. Nothing like a little hype for Survivor Series at the top of the show. I still wish they’d make ’Taker look pale and give him purple boots and gloves.

Just to point out how bad Batista is, when discussing his “Hell in the Cell” match against The Undertaker this Sunday, he said, “Weapons are not only welcome … they’re allowed.” Stunning words. Absolutely stunning words.

The code has officially been cracked - when will the man behind SAVE_US.222 be revealed? Find out after the jump.

’Taker and ’Tista take on what William Regal called, “the best tag team on RAW” - Cade and Murdoch. Really? I suppose they technically are, considering that they are Tag Champions, but really?  Undertaker wins with a tombstone, but I honestly think that the Shawn Michaels/Randy Orton video game match simulation was more interesting to watch. Cade and Murdoch are match cancer - I hope they don’t infect poor Mickie James any more than they have.

Beth Phoenix is one meaty girl. A.J. Styles should sue Maria for gimmick infringement with that hood she wears to the ring. Maria is showing improvement in the ring, but I can’t imagine they’ll ever give her a title run. I loved it when she broke her “dumb blonde” character back a ways and took some poor wrestler to school. Maria does well enough on a mic as a dummy that I bet she could tear it up as just a regular Jane. Maria as a heel perhaps? It’s working for Santino - a walking highlight reel.

Poor J.R. is constantly getting his ass kicked because of his friendship with “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. They need to give Austin some more pals. How about Mike Chioda? I want to know why it is that sometimes Jerry “The King” Lawler comes to J.R.’s aid and sometimes he doesn’t. I realize that sometimes someone else is scheduled to save him, but that sure makes Lawler look pretty inconsistent. No fear tonight though, Lawler makes J.R. look like a total wuss once again by sticking up for him. I bet J.R. could kick some ass. I mean, he is a man. A man who has been around wrestling for a gazillion year s(give or take a few) - let him mix it up!

Santino’s pop culture references kick ass. The Tom Hanks/Philadelphia line was among the greatest lines delivered in a promo - ever. Tonight - an Andy Kauffman/Taxi reference. What’s next, a joke about Chunk from The Goonies?

Why would Orton request a stipulation that hinders himself in the WWE Championship match? Did I miss something? I love when the big pay-per-view events come along because they start showing classic moments from past years events. It was cool to see some Andre the Giant action from Survivor Series 1987.

I’m really not much of a fan of six-man tag team matches. I almost feel like the mindset is that “more is better,” but unless the match involves the right group of people, I’m not going to be interested. Matt Hardy, Jeffy Hardy and Rey Mysterio vs. Finlay, MVP and Mr. Kennedy was not that bad. This six-man format interests me the least when heavyweights are involved, but I think six-man matches have the opportunity to shine when it’s the lightweights like Hardy or Rey Rey involved.  You’d assume by this thought process that I’d hate the five-on-five classic Survivor Series matches, but you’d be wrong. I enjoy the elimination element to that match - the fact that the match could result in two men on one team having to fight off five from the other is good stuff.

Ladies and gentleman - the final SAVE_US.222 promo.

SAVE_US.X29. X = Y. 9 = J. BREAK_THE_WALLS. NEXT_MONDAY. ’Nuff said.

Why is Shawn Michaels wearing jeans like my dad? Solid promo from HBK tonight. It was nice to see Michaels work the mic and hype a match like he did back in the ’90s. The only gripe I have is that the ending of this segment was pretty goofy looking - a lot going on in the ring, and not much room to do it. I liked the hints that Michaels made about defeating Orton and taking the title by using a submission hold - a la Survivor Series 1997’s “Montreal Screwjob.” For as much as I love Michaels, I would give my right ear to see Bret Hart make an appearance at the Series and take out Michaels. It is, really, the only respectable way for Michaels to lose that match in my mind. Unfortunately, a moment of that magnitude (albeit absolutely never happening) would be main event material, and I presume that the “Hell in the Cell” will be the main event.

Jillian Hall stinks in the ring. I didn’t think anyone could be worse than Kelly Kelly, but Jillian takes the cake. I wish Michelle McCool and Kelly hadn’t wore the exact same colors to the ring - with their amazing bodies and bleach blonde blonde hair, they were nearly impossible to tell apart. Layla had very little action in the ring except for catching a righteous spin kick to the face courtesy of Mickie James. I’m consistently happy with the WWE women’s division - there is so much talent there.

Snitsky - who cares.

Santino Marella is a perfect example of how mic work can make an otherwise uninteresting wrestler fun to watch in a match. I thought it was amazing when Santino beat Umaga for the Intercontinental Title by coming out of the crowd in Italy. The next week, in the States, it was clearly a huge mistake. I really, really, really didn’t ever want to watch a Santino match ever again. Now that he is absolutely killing every week with his promos, it makes him much more interesting to watch in the ring. I thoroughly enjoyed his match against The King - even more so because he lost!

Another SAVE_US.222 promo - two in one night! It’s heating up. BREAK_THE_WALLS.

It just doesn’t make sense that all Hornswoggle segments should be absolutely horrendous but they keep turning out to be so freakin’ entertaining. I found it a little odd that they chose to do ol’ Horny’s training segment in an empty arena. But upon second thought, I realized that it’s almost better to have an empty arena that gives no reaction than a full arena that gives no reaction. So in a sense, it almost gave the segment more of a chance. I never thought in a million years that Jonathon Coachmen would end up being such a great personality in the WWE. From backstage interviewer to … well, The Great Khali stunt double. Bravo.

Sometimes I wonder if Triple H promos only have one volume setting - loud and rough. Remember the Survivor Series where The King and his three little people fought Doink, Dink, Pink and Stink … or Ink? I can’t remember all the names. Either way, that was a WWF classic.

The main event tonight was Triple H vs. Umaga with their respective Survivor Series teammates serving as lumberjacks. I think that lumberjack matches have really lost their luster in the last decade. I’m not sure what it is about the ’80s and ’90s era lumberjack matches that worked, but I’m thinking that it doesn’t so much anymore. Maybe it’s because the lumberjacks don’t really seem to do anything - except for the inevitable match-ending when it becomes an all out brawl between all the men in the ring.

Aaaand there it is. Big brawl. J.R. yells a lot about it being a brawl. End RAW.

Big week coming up - Survivor Series and the return of X29.

X =Y. 9 =J. BREAK_THE _WALLS.