Like Britney and Anna Nicole self-destructing in tandem, MTV has put out two new “reality” shows about kids who have made and are making some really horrible decisions: “Juvies” and “Engaged and Underage.”

So, full disclosure, I am, in fact, engaged, though not underage, and I have an extensive juvenile record that has, thankfully, been expunged.  Just kidding, I was a big ol’ goody two shoes, but I’ve recently realized that I am the target audience for both shows, and, really, just about all of MTV’s reality programming.

Why, you ask (as your coworkers stare at you, because why the hell are you talking to a computer screen)?  Because the purpose of MTV’s reality shows is not to give you a glimpse into the lives of others (as it is in … well, all right, that’s the stated goal of most reality shows, even though it rarely happens that way).  Nope, MTV’s reality shows are for one reason and one reason alone: to make you feel better about your life.

It sounds harsh, I know (mostly because I’m saying it harshly), but this has been the evolution of MTV’s reality programming.  When “The Real World” came out, it was, yes, that glimpse into the lives of others thing.  Then came … well, season 2, and it was all about how they all bickered and screamed at each other for no real reason, and then it just devolved from there.  It got to a point where people were hooking up indiscriminately, getting alcohol poisoning, having their teeth knocked out, and this was all on the first night in the house.

After a while, you’d watch “The Real World” and think, “You know, I’ve done some stupid things in my life, and I’ve made some mistakes, but … man, I’m doing a hell of a lot better than these freaks.”  Then you’d feel better about yourself.  It was self-esteem building through reality shows, and that’s exactly what “Juvies” and “Engaged and Underage” is selling. 

“Juvies” is, obviously, about juvenile delinquents.  Each episodes follows a couple of kids in Lake County, Indiana, after they get arrested.  They get put into a detention facility and … basically, it’s kids in pseudo-jail realizing that they’re not quite as awesome as they thought they were before they were thrown in pseudo-jail. 

If you watch the show, you think, “Hey, I may have done a couple of bad things as a kid, gotten into a couple of fights, started a couple of orphanage fires, but I never got thrown into jail for it.”  Or maybe that was just me.  Let’s forget we talked about this.

Still that’s not the show that really makes me feel good about myself.  That would be, “Engaged and Underage.”  As somebody who’s been planning a wedding for a while now, I feel quite good about getting married; I’m old enough, emotionally ready for the commitment, and excited about the whole shebangabang.  The people on “Engaged and Underage?”  They’re ridiculous.

And it’s not because they’re a dozen or so years younger than I am; it’s because, emotionally, they wouldn’t be allowed to get married in any state.  Because they’re five.  Tops.

It’s mostly the guys.  There was a guy … oh, wait, I need to explain the show.  Here goes: Idiots plan a wedding.  Okay, so the one guy, he didn’t spend any time planning the wedding because he was too busy wrestling his younger brothers.  Plus, he was super excited to go to the honeymoon … (wait for it) … at Disney.  Another guy had huge fights with his fiancée constantly and they nearly broke up the night before the wedding.

Oh, and then there was the awesome girl who decided they’d get married because she was saving herself until marriage, something she learned from (oh, yes) Jessica Simpson.  Teenagers, if you must learn anything from Jessica Simpson, it’s simply to do the opposite of whatever she does (unless you really want to have a weird is-it-real-or-isn’t-it relationship with slurring singer John Mayer).  As Virginia Heffernan of the NY Times put it, “You pray that the young sweethearts surrender their high ideals, go all the way and postpone their terrifying wedding.”

As you watch, you think, “Boy these people are making a huge mistake,” (well, maybe not the guy in the Army who got married; he’s getting married so quickly because somebody else with a very low emotional age made a huge mistake four years ago) and you feel better.  Why?  Because it’s not you.

Watching MTV may be the biggest boost of self-esteem you can give yourself.  Who cares if they don’t show videos?  What they show now is so much more rewarding.