(You can view TV Envy’s Fall Television Programming Schedule here.)

Labor Day Marathons: The Closer (TNT), Beverly Hills, 90210 (SOAPnet), Scrubs (TV Land), Dirty Jobs (Discovery), My Wife and Kids (ABC Family), Star Trek: The Next Generation (Sci Fi), House of Payne (TBS), CSI (Spike TV), Anthony Bourdain (Travel), That ‘70s Show (FX)

• Gossip Girl (CW, 8pm):  Season 2 premiere. “Summer in the Hamptons winds down as Serena and Nate carry on a cover-up scheme to make others think they’re dating.” A few choice pics sent to Gossip Girl should do the trick.
• Prison Break (FOX, 8pm):  Season 4 premiere. “Michael is in LA looking to even the score with Gretchen for Sara’s death.” I think Gretchen should really apologize for all of last season.
• One Tree Hill (CW, 9pm):  Season 6 premiere. “Lucas’ chosen lady meets him at the airport, while Dan’s accident proves life-threatening.” Sorry. So not caring who Chad Michael Murray picks these days.
• Raising the Bar (TNT, 10pm):  Series premiere. “Idealistic public defender Jerry Kellerman (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) fights for a man he’s sure is innocent, but holding a court is a judge who loathes Kellerman.” Gosselaar’s new hair has been generating some passionate opinions.

• The View (ABC, check local listings):  Season 12 premiere. “New Kids on the Block perform.” Oprah gets the Olympians; Barbara gets NKOTB. Not judging, just saying.
• 90210 (CW, 8pm):  Series premiere. “Annie and Dixon attend their first day of class and meet an assortment of privileged kids.” Assortment means “racially diverse”, right?
• The Shield (FX, 10pm):  Season 7 premiere. “Vic challenges Shane and deals with threats to his family.” In other words, a typical day for Mackey.
• Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency (Oxygen, 10pm):  “A clandestine romance grows between two of the roomies.” Is there such thing as “clandestine” when reality TV cameras are involved?

• America’s Next Top Model (CW, 8pm):  Season 11 premiere. “The 14 ladies move into a house and participate in their first photo shoot, which revolves around hot-button political issues.” Seriously, Tyra. If people wanted to watch things that mattered, they wouldn’t be watching ANTM.
• Bones (FOX, 8pm):  Season 4 premiere. “Season begins with Brennan and Booth lecturing to their respective peers in London, but their trip is extended after they’re drawn into the investigation of the murder of a wealthy American’s daughter.” Wait a second. Isn’t Paris Hilton scheduled to go to London as well? Hmm…
• Sons of Anarchy (FX, 10pm):  Series premiere. “A drama about the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Original (Samcro), whose members try to protect their town from drug dealers and developers while running guns themselves.” Leather, bikes and guns. This is exactly what TV’s been missing.
• Top Design (Bravo, 10pm):  Season 2 premiere. “Thirteen new interior designers must deal with demanding clients when they create a loft space.” A quick shot of a staple gun should calm those clients down.

• Kitchen Nightmares (FOX, 8pm):  Season 2 premiere. “Chef Ramsay returns to some of the restaurants he helped last season and evaluates their progress.” I’d like to see him revisit some of Hell’s Kitchen‘s past winners to see if they can actually run a restaurant.
• Tabatha’s Salon Takeover (Bravo, 10pm):  “Tabatha tries to modify a salon in Sewell, NJ, but things get snippy when she butts heads with the establishment’s owner.” Is there such a thing as help wanted?
• Glam God with Vivica A. Fox (VH1, 10pm):  “The contestants try their hand at men’s fashions when they set out to create a style for the band A Cursive Memory.” Should they be working to create a style…or a new band name?
• The Cho Show (VH1, 11pm):  “Margaret makes an effort to go green by embarking on a luxury-free trip into the wilderness, and she brings her friends and family along with her.” Family members should never be dragged into your drastic experiments.

• Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (FOX, 8pm):  Season 3 premiere. “Model Kathy Ireland and Georgia state superintendent of schools Cathy Cox are among the contestants.” Question #1: How long does Kathy Ireland still get to use the title “model”?
• Stand Up 2 Cancer (ABC/NBC/CBS, 8pm):  “A fundraiser for cancer research features reports by Brian Williams, Katie Couric and Charles Gibson.” I’d like to think that the networks could devote more than an hour to such an important topic, but I guess we should be appreciative for the baby step.
• DogTown (National Geographic, 9pm):  Season 2 premiere. “Staff members work to rehabilitate four severely traumatized dogs from Michael Vick’s illegal dogfighting ring in April 2007.” Vick would be happy to know that people are still thinking about him while he’s away.
• Swingtown (CBS, 10pm):  Season finale. “Trina and Tom host a clambake and a key party to celebrate the end of summer.” Did it really take them a whole season to get to the key party?

• 2008 MTV Video Music Awards (MTV, 9pm):  “Russell Brand hosts the 25th annual event from Hollywood.” NOTE: No videos will actually be harmed or seen during this pointless event.
• True Blood (HBO, 9pm):  Series premiere. “The series opens with Bon Temps, LA, waitress Sookie Stackhouse welcoming the first vampire, Bill, to Merlotte’s bar, while her brother Jason, deals with the unfortunate fall out of a one-night stand.” Maybe I’ll give on trying to read Twilight and just watch this instead.
• Entourage (HBO, 10pm):  Season 5 premiere. “Drama continues his long-distance romance with Jacqueline, but turns into a diva during a Five Towns photo shoot.” Kevin Dillon is almost worth the price of an HBO subscription alone.
• Mad Men (AMC, 10pm):  “Don steps up in class and purchases a new set of wheels that is more appropriate for a big-time executive.” If you’re going to get into car accidents with your mistresses, you might as well do it in style.