• Bachelor Pad (ABC, 8pm):  Series debut. “The Bachelor and The Bachelorette meet Big Brother in this elimination contest, in which 19 castoffs from the ABC dating games face weekly challenges while living under the same roof. Before the first elimination, there’s a day-night group date.” Rejects being rejected by rejects? This is Must See TV!
• Last Comic Standing (NBC, 9pm):  Season finale. “The winning stand-up comic is revealed.” I look forward to hearing nothing about this person for years to come.
• Huge (ABC Family, 9pm):  “The campers get anxious when they hear it’s time for their first weigh-in.” The results will determine whom they face in the ring.

TUESDAY (8/10)

• Shaq Vs. (ABC, 9pm):  “The big man attempts some hocus-pocus with magicians Penn and Teller.” He was willing to try anything to get his divorce finalized.
• 19 Kids and Counting (TLC, 9pm):  “Jim Bob and the kids take a trip to Hollywood, where they get to visit a real film set.” Kids + film? Why didn’t Kate Gosselin think of this idea sooner?
• Memphis Beat (TNT, 10pm):  “Dwight negotiates a hostage crisis, only to become a hostage himself.” Sounds like someone read the rule book backward.

• Confessions: Animal Hoarding (Animal, 9pm):  “A newlywed tries to hide her stray hoarding from her husband.” He knew she came with a dowry, he just didn’t know it would require feeding.
• LA Ink (TLC, 10pm):  Season premiere. “Corey confronts Kat in the opener, and he decides to quit High Voltage Tattoo.” He just wasn’t feeling the spark anymore.
• Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns (TBS, 10:30pm):  “Rifts develop in Will and Sasha’s home due to social networking.” Will simply does not “like” any of Sasha’s updates.

• The Real Housewives of D.C. (Bravo, 9pm):  “Mary discovers that her adult daughter’s move back home creates various challenges.” Her daughter can share the roof, as long as she stays away from Mary’s spotlight.
• American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior (TLC, 9pm):  Series premiere. “Paul Teutul Jr. announces he’s opening up his own bike shop, becoming a direct competitor of his father, Paul Sr.” Like father, like disloyal son.
• Raising Sextuplets (WE, 10pm):  Season finale. “Bryan struggles to control his temper while watching the kids.” That’s funny—I often have a hard time controlling my emotions when I watch him.

• Man, Woman, Wild (Discovery, 9pm):  “Shipwrecked on Tasmania, the hosts confront hypothermia, dehydration and hunger while an approaching storm threatens to make matters worse.” After looking at the calendar, Mykel realized that stormy time of Ruth’s month was around the corner.
• Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta (TLC, 9pm):  “Erin, who is 35, is reminded by her mother that she’s not a young bride.” Truer words from an old bitch were never spoken.
• Flashpoint (CBS, 10pm):  “Two brothers become involved in a white supremacy group, but when the group plans a terrorist attack, one of the brothers has second thoughts.” He thought it would be like Book Club: a lot of drinking and no actual do-ing.

• True Blood (HBO, 9pm):  “Bill gets to the bottom of Sookie’s real identity.” He had no clue she was the second youngest Oscar winner ever.
• Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami (E!, 10:30pm):  “Kourtney questions whether Scott should be in her life anymore.” But first, she has to weigh the decision with E’s producers first.
• Entourage (HBO, 10:30pm):  “Ari bargains with Lizzie to get his hands on some incriminating evidence.” Note: Don’t get caught eating sushi if you’ve cried mercury poisoning before.