(To get a look at TV Envy’s 2009 Fall Programming Schedule, click here.)

• Dating in the Dark (ABC, 9pm):  Season finale. “In the first season closer, an ex-FBI profiler assists the contestants.” Let’s hope proper background checks were part of his services.
• The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo, 10pm):  Season premiere. “Season 2 opens with celeb stylist Rachel Zoe and her mod squad assigned to dress up five actresses for the Golden Globe awards. Meanwhile, a slumping economy affects the rich and famous when the production of couture gowns drops.” In other news: Us Weekly will devote an entire issue to dresses worn twice.
• Hoarding (A&E, 10pm):  “A woman whose children were removed from her home because of her hoarding wants to clean her home so that her children can return.” Until then, she’ll manage with the few children she kept hidden underneath the clothes.
• Nurse Jackie (Showtime, 10:30pm):  “The movie reviewer awakens from his coma to find that his critical senses have been radically altered.” Fortunately, his ability to sniff out crap was insured by Lloyd’s of London.

TUESDAY (8/25)

• 18 Kids and Counting (TLC, 9pm):  “The Duggars check out Amish country before traveling to Washington D.C.” If one’s not careful, they could probably lose a child or two in those fields. Just a tip a word of caution for ya.
• The Cleaner (A&E, 10pm):  “William suspects that the star ballerina in a show in which his daughter is performing has a drug addiction.” At least that’s what he plans on telling the director…
• Daddy’s Girls (MTV, 10pm):  “The girls throw a housewarming party, but it’s crashed by some unwelcome guests: mice.” Word mistakenly got out that the bash would be a fondue party.
• Secret Lives of Women (We, 10pm):  “Four women follow radical diets to lose weight. The methods include prayer, starvation, ‘freegan’ dumpster diving and raw food.” May I suggest the “Too Lazy to Go to the Grocery Store” approach to eating?

• Lottery Changed My Life (TLC, 8pm):  “A Texas lottery winner gambles his millions on a teepee-themed motel.” Apparently someone needs to cut back on the peyote.
• Crash Course (ABC, 9pm):  Series premiere. “The opener of this revved-up reality vehicle in which five two-member teams compete in difficult driving-course challenges, such as ‘car bowling’ and backward drag racing.” At the end of the hour, the network execs will then plunge off a cliff.
• Clean House (Style, 10pm): “A mom fights with her kids about clutter.” The overused “Don’t Make Me Put This On Reality TV!” threat did not phase them one bit.
• Real World: Cancun (MTV, 10pm):  “A steamy three-way hookup shocks the roommates.” They thought that stunt died with Real World: Miami.

• Marked (History, 9pm):  “A series exploring the history of tattoos and body markings, including symbolism and techniques, begins with prison tattoos, and how they are used.” The origin of “tramp stamps” will be covered in Week 2.
• The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo, 10pm):  “There’s harmony in the recording studio when Kim and Kandi bond.” Kim promised not to discuss Kandi’s questionable engagement as long as Burruss agreed to overproduce Zolciak’s next single.
• LA Ink (TLC, 10pm):  “Aubry decides to get a tattoo, but Kat worries she’s doing it for the wrong reasons.” She encouraged her to down a few drinks and think about it.
• Nitro Circus (MTV, 10pm):  Season prmiere. “Travis Pastrana’s daredevil crew descends upon Los Angeles where they get tased by SWAT instructors.” A good tasing is like a building implosion—you can’t help but watch.

• Eureka (Syfy, 9pm):  “A sonic cleaning at Global Dynamics coincides with a phenomenon that causes Eureka’s citizens to develop a communal form of Alzheimers.”  Note to my dentist: This is why I’m not using my Sonicare.
• Jockeys (Animal, 9pm):  “Joe Talamo rides I Want Revenge.” I believe most men would say that’s never a good idea.
• Psych (USA, 10pm):  “Shawn and Gus are recruited by their former teacher (Ray Wise) to investigate a student’s suicide, which he believes is the work of the devil.” Uh, he should know - he is the devil!
• Making Over America with Trinny & Susannah (TLC, 10pm):  “A single mom who’s a veteran of the Iraq War thinks her provocative style is sexy, but Trinny and Susannah feel otherwise.” If she wasn’t so intimidating, they would have told her that.

• Untamed & Uncut (Animal, 9pm):  “A lion goes after its trainer on the red carpet of a film festival.” He thought he’d be the only lion at the MGM premiere.
• Bridezillas (We, 9pm):  “A bride carries a gun during her wedding because she believes her ex-fiance will show up to the ceremony.” The pistol - which doubled as her “borrowed” item - helped kill two birds with one stone. (No pun intended.)
• Your Kid Ate What? (TLC, 9pm):  “Doctors operate on children who have swallowed unusual items, including a leaking battery, rat-poison pellets, magnets and a toy car.” The special What’s That Lodged in Their Nose? will immediately follow.
• True Blood (HBO, 9pm):  “Bill turns to Louisiana’s Vampire Queen (Evan Rachel Wood) for guidance on the unrest in Bon Temps.” Her years with Marilyn Manson has given her insight on that topic.