(You can view TV Envy’s Summer Television Programming Schedule here.)

• The Bachelorette (ABC, 8pm):  “In the season finale, DeAnna has a choice to make between the two finalists after taking her two suitors to a Grand Bahama Island and home to Georgia to meet her family.” In the event of a tiebreaker, the most photogenic candidate should always be chosen. Good wedding photos last forever.
• Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9pm):  “As the sextuplets turn 4, Jon and Kate take them to a bakery to decorate their own birthday cupcakes with the stipulation that they can’t eat them until after dinner.” Cupcakes? Note to the Jolie-Pitt clan. More kids = smaller birthday celebrations.
• Verminators ( Discovery, 10pm):  “Jamie has to tackle his fears when he is called in to deal with a black widow.” Apparently someone needs to work on his rochambeau skills.
• Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal (A&E, 10pm):  “A story of ReAnna Kelly, a girl supposedly visited by spirits, including that of her deceased grandmother, jazz singer Nina Simone.” There are times when hearing the song ‘Sinnerman’ is not so cool.

• The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family, 8pm):  “Amy experiences morning sickness, and Ben hears a rumor about her.” Uhh, are people talking about how suspiciously big she’s getting?
• Hell’s Kitchen (FOX, 9pm):  Season finale. “The two remaining contestants square off in their final dinner service before Chef Ramsay decides which of them will run his Los Angeles restaurant.” As if either chef is worthy of running anything.
• Flipping Out (Bravo, 10pm):  “Growing ever more suspicious of his staffers, Jeff sets up a hidden camera in his office to spy on their actions (or lack thereof).” He will then have to hire another worker to go through all the footage.
• Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen, 10pm):  “Tori and Dean celebrate son Liam’s birthday with a party, but Tori wants a bigger bash than their planned backyard BBQ.” Let me guess. They’ll now have to search for a new home with a larger yard.

• The Baby Borrowers (NBC, 9pm):  “One guy is left to care for twins while his partner works.” I’m guessing Marc Anthony won’t last a day.
• Scare Tactics (SciFi, 10pm):  Season 3 premiere. “A medical-office receptionist has a hellish night.” Please - could anything be worse than what a receptionist goes through during the day?
• Shear Genius (Bravo, 10pm):  “The contestants must style extremely long hair (some that even flows to the floor) - but without cutting a single strand.” I hear FLDS braids are all the rage.
• Real World: Hollywood (MTV, 10pm):  Season finale. “The roommates say goodbye to Hollywood and each other in this 20th-season finale.” Who would have ever thought this show could outlast the music video?

• Greatest American Dog (CBS, 8pm):  Series premiere. “The series begins with 12 dog owners, along with their pets, moving in together and competing in their first challenge. Later, the judges eliminate one dog and its owner from the competition.” Saying reality TV has gone to the dogs would just be too easy…
• Burn Notice (USA, 10pm):  Season 2 premiere. “Michael tries to retrieve information that’s heavily guarded by cutthroat mercenaries, in order to help his client free his kidnapped family.” Does anyone else remember when Gabrielle Anwar played an ice skater on 90210? For some reason I have Beverly Hills on the brain.
• Swingtown (CBS, 10pm):  “Tom gets jealous when Trina meets up with her high-school sweetheart.” I’m sure Trina’s ex is kicking himself for letting the future swinger go.
• Miami Ink (TLC, 10pm):  “Dre asks to have her name added to the shop window, hoping it will make her feel more included on the team.” She does realize that shop windows are less permanent than tattoos, right?

• Degrassi (The N, 8pm EST):  “Peter tries to start a band, but Spinner trashes the effort.” Peter smells like Canada’s version of David Silver. Sorry - done with the 90210 references.
• Queen Bees (Nickelodeon, 9pm):  “Mean girls are challenged to change their ways for a shot at $25,000 in this series, which assembles seven self-proclaimed divas and makes them face the consequences of their bratty behavior.” So Nickelodeon is now giving bratty girls airtime? Nice.
• Flashpoint (CBS, 10pm):  Series premiere. “A police unit specializing in emergency situations responds when a woman is taken hostage outside an office building by a gunman who just murdered his estranged wife.” I’m confused. Do normal officers not respond to emergency situations?
• Stargate Atlantis (SciFi, 10pm):  Season 5 premiere. “A race against time pits Col. Carter’s crew against Michael and his Wraith hybrids to recover the Atlantis team trapped in the rubble of Michael’s facility.” If you’re already a fan, than this probably make sense to you.

• Big Brother 10 (CBS, 8pm):  Season premiere. “The houseguests are introduced and enter the compound for the first time.” Didn’t we just finish watching paint dry on this show?
• Miss Universe Pageant (NBC, 9pm):  “Global beauties compete in the 57th annual contest.” Now if the home of the Olympics could incorporate some real competition, then maybe this show would be worth watching.
• The Two Coreys (A&E, 10pm):  “Shooting for Lost Boys 2 begins, and Haim does something that jeopardizes not only the first day’s progress, but the entire film.” Time to buy another apology in Variety.
• Army Wives (Lifetime, 10pm):  “Denise is the subject of gossip when she is seen of the base with Getti.” Having lunch at The Ivy will always get people talking.