(You can view TV Envy’s Midseason Programming Schedule here.)

• Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8pm):  Season premiere. “This season, a new feature in the early weeks is a dance-off between the bottom two couples facing elimination.” Steve Wozniak + moon walk = elimination-proof.
• The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8pm):  “The guys’ trip to San Francisco takes a detour once they learn that actress Summer Glau (appearing as herself) is on their train.” If you don’t already know who Summer Glau is, you probably shouldn’t be watching this show.
• How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30pm):  “Ted reunites with his college girlfriend (Laura Prepon), prompting Lily and Marshall to reveal how much they loathed the snooty woman.” From what I recall, one can easily bond with Prepon over a quick smoke break.
• Castle (ABC, 10pm):  Series premiere. “Well-known mystery writer Richard Castle is questioned by a fiery detective about a serial killer reenacting murders from his books.” Kinda sounds like Basic Instinct, sans a naked Michael Douglas. Or Sharon Stone. Or Jeanne Tripplehorn.

• Reaper (CW, 8pm):  “Sam is attacked by two demons sent by the Devil, and one of them takes a curious interest in Ben.” Bros should always pass off their extra demons to other bros.
• The Biggest Loser: Couples (NBC, 8pm):  “The players compete in a relay race to win a full day of luxury and spa treatments, but some players fall victim to temptation during the challenge.” Wouldn’t it be more relaxing…to just do nothing?
• Trust Me (TNT, 10pm):  “Financial problems mar both Mason and Conner, prompting each to seek employment elsewhere.” Given the show’s ratings, backup plans sound like a good idea.
• The Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo, 10pm):  “LuAnn pens a book on etiquette - though Bethenny questions her expertise in such matters.” My bad - that’s Countess de Lesseps to you and me.

• America’s Next Top Model (CW, 8pm):  “The 12 remaining models receive makeovers and attend a photo shoot directed by Nigel Barker that uses light in creative ways.” Creative lighting now leads into blatant airbrushing later.
• The Chopping Block (NBC, 8pm):  Series premiere. “Teams of aspiring restaurateurs open two competing eateries under the guidance of celebrity chef Marco Pierre White.” Coincidentally, the last show in this time slot is now facing the chopping block.
• Human Prey (Animal, 9pm):  “A river guide capsizes and is early swallowed by a hippo.” That brings new definition to “Hungry Hungry Hippos.”
• Life on Mars (ABC, 10pm):  “Annie and Sam go undercover to investigate a flight attendant’s murder and wind up being invited to a swingers’ party.” First Swingtown, now this. I will never look at flight attendants the same way again.

• Ugly Betty (ABC, 8pm):  “Hilda’s family try to set her up with Archie (Ralph Macchio).” Is he the man who will fight for her honor? Is he the hero that she’s dreaming of?
• The Office (NBC, 9pm):  “Office problems spread when Michael suggests placing ‘golden tickets’ inside paper packages as discounts for clients.” Volunteer Oompa-Loopas are hard to find.
• Supernatural (CW, 9pm):  “Sam and Dean visit a small town where people are cheating death because the reapers have vanished.” The bad news? We now have another Final Destination sequel in the making.
• Eleventh Hour (CBS, 10pm):  “Four murders occur during Fashion Week in New York City when rage overtakes seemingly ordinary individuals with no prior history of violence.” Those Project Runway 6 contestants will do anything to get their collections on camera.

• Everybody Hates Chris (CW, 8pm):  “Chris reluctantly agrees to hide some marijuana for a crook on the run and tries to find a good place to stash it so he won’t get into trouble.” There comes a time when we all must help a friend. Find your safe spots now.
• Wife Swap (ABC, 8pm):  “A mom who believes she is psychic, speaks to the dead and controls the weather swaps families with a brood of storm-chasing science enthusiasts.” Are we making a Wife Swap, or a Love Connection?
• Howie Do It (NBC, 8pm):  “Three women land jobs for a shockingly steamy exercise video.” Only the strong can tolerate that hot yoga stuff.
• Numb3rs (CBS, 10pm):  “Charlie tries to help the CalSci basketball team end its lengthy losing streak by applying mathematical principles.” Shouldn’t he just work the numbers and bet against them?

• Kings (NBC, 8pm):  Series premiere. “King Silas Benjamin (Ian McShane) confronts escalating tensions with a neighboring country in the premiere episode of this drama set in a modern-day monarchy.” And Donald Trump thought dealing with Andrew Dice Clay and Dennis Rodman would be hard.
• Family Guy (FOX, 9pm):  “Peter cashes in on a winning 1989 raffle ticket that he had lost. The prize: a round of golf with O.J. Simpson.” Unfortunately, Simpson has other metal bars to deal with now.
• Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels (VH1, 9pm):  “Secrets come out when the exes of the remaining six ladies are interrogated by Bret’s ex Ambre and Rock of Love alum Heather.” This is one of those rare instances when hidden skeletons are embraced.
• Tough Love (VH1, 10pm):  “A reality series about a matchmaker who helps eight attractive single women break bad habits and find love lines.” Is there a reason why Drew Barrymore is only an executive producer, and not a contestant?”