(Make sure to check out TV Envy’s Programming Schedule.)

• How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8pm):  “Still hurting from the way Barney ended their romance, Robin gets back at him by getting a beautiful self-help author, played by Jennifer Lopez, to turn the tables on Barney.” He was lead to believe her love wouldn’t cost a thing.
• Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9pm):  “Charlie and Chelsea have one-night stands after breaking up.” Unlike hers, Charlie’s was spent behind bars.
• Fashion Police (E!, 10pm):  “Comments on fashions worn at the 2010 Academy Awards ceremony in Hollywood.” Those who aren’t invited, judge…or have a show on E!.

• The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8pm):  “The contestants work eight-hour shifts at the food bank and must learn to fit workout sessions into their schedules.” TIP #1: An hour or reality TV viewing should be traded in for an hour of actual exercise.
• Melrose Place (CW, 9pm):  “Jonah and Riley try to start over.” As does CW.
• The Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo, 10pm):  “Patti plays Cupid for a fancy-free divorcée named Tricia, who is mulling over the thought of dating women.” If Kim Zolciak ever changes her mind about Big Poppa, Bravo might have her next match!

• Scrubs (ABC, 8pm):  “Cole and Kelso realize true friends are hard to come by after the pair receive unsettling news following routine tests.” Ratings results prove even hardcore fans are drifting away from their program.
• America’s Next Top Model (CW, 8pm):  Season premiere. “The 14th season begins with 33 models vying for 13 spots. After the cut is made, the 13 ladies move into a New York City loft and undergo makeovers.” And here I thought Tyra wanted us to love ourselves…no matter what we looked like.
• Billy the Exterminator (A&E, 10:30pm):  Season premiere. “In the opener, the team searches for a rattlesnake loose in a funeral home.” I believe this situation is what you might call a “death trap.”

• The Office (NBC, 9pm):  “Andy and Erin’s first date takes interesting turns.” When they woke up the next day, she was shocked to see he was missing a tooth.
• 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30pm):  “Jack’s world turns topsy-turvy when Avery breaks news that a cable company may buy NBC.” He was only just recovering from the whole Leno/O’Brien mess.
• The Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo, 10pm):  “The arrival of Labor Day results in laborious drama when both Ramona and LuAnn throw separate parties, forcing the wives to choose bashes.” LuAnn’s Etiquette Tip #57: Always attend the party with the least annoying hostess.

• Supernanny (ABC, 8pm):  “A single mom with two kids needs Jo’s help when she has difficulty balancing motherhood, a full-time job at a bank and studying to become an accountant.” After doing the numbers, she realized two things had to go.
• The Life & Times of Tim (HBO, 9:30pm):  “Tim hatches a moneymaking plan for a boy-scout troop.” Former Girl Scout Cookies lovers soon found themselves craving Boy Scout Brownies.
• Spartacus: Blood and Sand (Starz, 10pm):  “After purchasing a new batch of slaves to train as gladiators, Batiatus considers the usefulness of the injured Crixus and contemplates whether to sell him.” Unfortunately, “injured gladiators” aren’t hot items on Craigslist.

• Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9pm):  “Katherine is confused about her feelings for Robin (Julie Benz).” She was far more appealing to her when she was on Dexter.
• Giuliana & Bill (Style, 9pm:  “Giuliana and Bill get important information about their fertility process, and Giuliana deals with the loss of her assistant after he unexpectedly quits.” He freaked when she asked for “help” some baby stuff.
• The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, 9pm):  “Season 9 opens with 14 celebrities divided into men-versus-women teams. In the first battle of the sexes, the stars must manage a New York City diner.” After his shift, Rod Blagojevich picked up a job application to go.