(Make sure to check out TV Envy’s Programming Schedule.)

• 24 (FOX, 9pm):  “Jack’s undercover mission worries his colleagues.” They never thought he’d go so far as to wear a dress.
• Keeping Up with Kardashians (E!, 10pm):  “Kourtney breaks up with Scott after he gets drunk on Kim’s birthday in Las Vegas.” She always knew he was a douche, but she didn’t realize he was such a lush.
• Celebrity Close Calls (Biography, 10pm):  “Celebrities recall incidents in which they nearly died. Included: Jane Seymour, Erik Estrada, Leif Garrett and Coolio.” The death of their careers will be covered in Part 2.

• Lost (ABC, 9pm):  “Locke seeks help to support his cause.” I hate to admit I don’t remember what that is.
• Little Miss Perfect (WE, 10pm):  “A frequent winner of the Most Beautiful title prepares to compete in her worst event, the interview category.” She gets distracted every time she sees a puppy.
• Paranormal Cops (A&E, 10pm):  “A homeowner claims that her houseguest was choked by something unseen while she was sleeping.” That’s her story and her houseguest - if she knows any better - should stick to it.

• Shear Genius (Bravo, 10pm):  “The hair artisans try to extend beyond expectations by applying hair extensions to men. Later, they style sexy looks for models posing for a sizzling cover of a romance novel.” Fabio had a hard time believing it wasn’t actually real hair.
• Throwdown with Bobby Flay (FOOD, 10pm):  “A burrito battle against the owners of Papillote Mexican Grill in San Francisco.” Things got ugly when the guacamole starting flying.
• Nip/Tuck (FX, 10pm):  “Joan Rivers has a cameo as herself.” Her plastic surgery punch card was about to expire.

• The Deep End (ABC, 8pm):  “Addy’s long-distance boyfriend arrives, with an agenda of his own.” He simply wanted to get on TV before the show ended.
• Past Life (FOX, 9pm):  “The team discovers that two people experiencing the same regressions are actually star-crossed lovers who find each other in a new life.” It’s like they say: “If it was meant to be, it would have already happened.”
• The Sarah Silverman Program (Comedy, 10:30pm):  “Sarah’s campaign against violent entertainment—-and the movie Home Alone in particular—-leads to a position of influence in the crusade to clean up TV.” Publicly proclaiming to f**k a movie star would still be okay though.

• What Not to Wear (TLC, 9pm):  “The hosts make over a 38-year-old professor of nonverbal communication who has a massive collection of mom jeans.” In the professor’s defense, her mom jeans said so much.
• The Ricky Gervais Show (HBO, 9pm):  Series premiere. “The opener of this podcast-turned-animated TV series finds Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington discussing a variety of unusual topics, including the benefits of 20th-century inventions; population control; supernatural events; and prehistoric times.” They had me laughing at “Ricky.”
• Spartacus: Blood and Sand (Starz, 10pm):  “A financially-strapped Batiatus receives an opportunity of a lifetime that involves his battling band of gladiators.” The group will serve as the musical act at arenas across the country.

• Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9pm):  “Robin, the ex-stripper gives seduction tips to Bree, who wants to reengage Orson.” I hear he has a fondness for Juggs magazine.
• Brothers & Sisters (ABC, 10pm):  “Sarah reconnects with Luc (Gilles Marini) for Valentine’s Day.” Single - and married - women everywhere are green with envy.
• 650-lb Virgin: The Weight is Over (Disc. Health, 10pm):  “Following David Smith, who lost 400 pounds without resorting to gastric bypass surgery, as he enters the dating world.” He might want to save at least one of those topics for Date 2.