(Reminder: You can view the whole Revamped TV Programming Schedule here.)

• The View (ABC, check local listings):  Elisabeth Hasselbeck returns from maternity leave.  I’d gladly sacrifice her to the union gods for an end to the writers’ strike.
• Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann (ABC, 8pm):  Here’s our chance to see if the DWTS judges can actually teach what they preach.
• American Gladiators (NBC, 8pm):  “In the men’s competition, an engineer takes on a radiation-control technician.”  The year of the nerd has now officially spilled over into 2008.
• Medium (NBC, 10pm):  Season four premiere.  “Allison has creepy visions of a boy being kidnapped from a toy store.”  I never did trust that Geoffrey Giraffe.
• Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel Channel, 10pm):  Anthony travels to Singapore for his latest season premiere.  I don’t like traveling with crusty people, but I love watching them venture on TV.
• The Daily Show/The Colbert Report (Comedy Central, 11:30pm):  Tonight Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will crank out their versions of a writer-less show.  God love ‘em for trying.

• One Tree Hill (CW, 8pm):  In the two-hour season premiere, the show fast-forwards four years.  In this alternate universe, Chad Michael Murray’s real-life fiancee no longer looks like jail bait.
• The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8pm):  “A BBQ buffet temps the nine remaining pairs.”  Barbecue?  Why that just has to be the cruelest challenge ever!
• The People’s Choice Awards (CBS, 9pm):  Queen Latifah hosts the 34th annual gala that recognizes fan favorites in movies, TV and music.”  Let me end the suspense for you right now:  the lame fans always vote for Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts.  Always.
• Gossip Girl (CW, 9pm):  “Serena is seen purchasing a pregnancy test and this info gets reported on Gossip Girl’s website before the facts are all checked.”  Uhh, gossip isn’t necessarily about facts.
• Carpoolers (ABC, 9:30):  If a show returns but was never missed, does it get a welcome?

• Dr. Phil (syndicated):  CANCELED The caring doc devotes his show today to Britney Spears.  I wonder if she should send him a thank you card.
• Law and Order: Criminal Intent (NBC, 9pm):  Season premiere. Dick Wolf wants to remind CSI which series dominated the airwaves first.
• Cashmere Mafia (ABC, 10pm):  Regular day and time.  I really hope this show is better than the annoying ‘I am extraordinary’ tune from the commercials.
• Project Runway (Bravo, 10pm):  The designers are charged with creating prom dresses for teenage girls.  The task sounds so easy, but teenage girls come with hormones.  And opinions.  And attitude.

• My Name is Earl (NBC, 8pm):  New episode.  “When his postprison life offers no home, no job and no money, a bitter Earl renounces karma and regresses to his old bad self.”  I think going ‘bad’ is Jason Lee’s way of distancing himself from those chipmunks.
• Grey’s Anatomy (ABC, 8pm):  New episode.  “A surprise visit from George’s mother comes as a shock to both Izzie and Callie.”  I sure hope momma’s there to smack her son upside the head.
• Ugly Betty (ABC, 8pm):  New episode.  “Betty pushes Daniel to use real models during fashion week.”  Realizing there is no such thing as a Size 0, he agrees to go with 2’s.
• Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (VH1, 10pm):  Screw Dr. Phil - let’s get Brit on this show!
• Make Me a Supermodel (Bravo, 10pm):  Another show where models compete to be the next name known in no household.

• Moonlight (CBS, 9pm):  New episode.  “Mick and Beth attempt to rescue Josh after he is kidnapped by a vindictive drug lord.”  Methinks Josh still won’t like the vampire after this.
• Monk (USA, 9pm):  Season premiere.  “Monk falls under a charismatic cult leader’s spell while solving a murder.”  Maybe that cult leader can ‘encourage’ me to watch the show.
• Psych (USA, 10pm):  Season premiere.  “Shawn investigates a missing-person case that comes from Gus’ wife.”  I just might give this series a try.  Psych!  (Sorry.  Had to be said.)
• 20/20 (ABC, 10pm):  “The science behind happiness is explored.”  If someone figures it out, could they pick me up off the floor?

• Pearl Harbor (ABC, 8pm):  Watch this 2001 film again and see if you can spot any sparks between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner way back then.

• The 65th Annual Golden Globes (NBC, 8pm):  Reduced to a one-hour presser.  Will it or won’t it happen? If no one shows up, this may be a train wreck I actually find to hard to watch.
• The Sarah Connor Chronicles (FOX, 8pm):  Series premiere.  Once men realize ‘Sarah’ is being played by the hot wife from 300, they’ll be tuning in.
• Comanche Moon (CBS, 9pm):  Another mini-series based on the Lonesome Dove saga.  I didn’t care then, I’m not caring now.
• Rock of Love with Bret Michaels (VH1, 9pm):  Season premiere.  The groupie who manages to snatch the bandana off Michaels’ head wins.
• Scott Baio is 46…and Pregnant (VH1, 10pm):  Season premiere.  I really hate the title of the show.  It sounds like he’s the one suffering.
• Brothers & Sisters (ABC, 10pm):  New episode.  “Tommy and Julia try to repair their damaged marriage.”  Could we just get rid of Julia already?