(Make sure to check out TV Envy’s Midseason Programming Schedule.)

• Little People, Big World (TLC, 8pm):  “Matt and Amy’s families gather to celebrate the twins upcoming graduation. But when Zach has a failing grade on his report card, no one is sure whether he’ll receive a diploma after all.” Fortunately, education is not a prerequisite for reality TV stardom.
• Bank of Hollywood (E!, 9pm):  “Contestants include two men who want to open a mullet hair salon.” Heck - I would fork over my own money just to see that.
• Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9pm):  “Jake tries to win back his ex-girlfriend by writing her love songs.” Charlie (Sheen) will be taking detailed notes.

• American Idol (FOX, 8pm):  Season premiere. “The talent contest kicks off with open auditions in Boston.” Finding Paula Abdul‘s replacement wasn’t easy.
• Better Off Ted (ABC, 8:30pm):  “The staff use profanity after they receive a memo from the company with a typographical error.” Fired...hired...it was an honest mistake.
• Little Miss Perfect (WE, 10pm):  “Two friends compete in the Season 2 premiere. The 8-year-old pageant pro has a coach and a sizable budget to prepare for competition, while her 10-year-old friend is choreographing her own routine and hoping to impress the judges with her natural looks.” That tan is a product of real baby oil and sun.

• The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, 8pm):  “Christine tells her handsome therapist that she’s in love with him—-and his response surprises her.” She didn’t expect him to still bill her for the hour.
• Modern Family (ABC, 9pm):  “Jay summarily dismisses Mitchell’s suggestion that one of Jay’s oldest friends (Chazz Palminteri) might be gay.” He is neither married…nor with children.
• Cougar Town (ABC, 9:30pm):  “Jules is unnerved by her romance with Jeff (Scott Foley).” He has a very strong resemblance to that killer in Scream 3.

• Community (NBC, 8pm):  “The study group reconvenes following winter break and could gain a new member if the original members deem their classmate worthy.” The new student, Conan O’Brien, looked a little lost and needed a place to go.
• Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30pm):  “Leslie goes on a blind date with one of Ann’s coworkers (Will Arnett).” She gets a strong sense of deja vu when he takes her out ice skating.
• 30 Rock (NBC, 9pm):  “A raucous New Year’s Eve comes back to haunt Jack after he leaves a boozy message on an ex-flame’s voice mail.” The “rude, thoughtless little pig” comment was actually meant for his daughter.

• Supernanny (ABC, 8pm):  “A 25-year-old single woman with two boys (ages 4 and 6) brazenly abdicates her parenting responsibilities and completely relies on her mother and father, who get as little respect from their misbehaving grandchildren as they do from their own daughter.” The apples, and grand-apples, don’t fall far from the tree.
• What Not to Wear (TLC, 9pm):  “Stacy and Clinton make over a psychic who has a witchy wardrobe filled with Victorian corsets, pointy hats and all-black clothing.” She apparently wasn’t able to foresee current fashion trends.
• Dog Whisperer (Nat. Geog., 9pm):  “A border collie’s dangerous obsession with moving water is addressed.” Bowls of water will now be replaced with ice cube trays.

• Golden Globe Awards (NBC, 8pm):  “The Hollywood Foreign Press Association stages its 67th annual gala, which recognizes achievement in 25 movie and TV categories. Highlights include a tribute to filmmaker Martin Scorsese, who receives the Cecil B. DeMille award.” Host Ricky Gervais + drinking celebrities = 1-hour tape delay.
• The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty (A&E, 10pm):  “The concert is canceled, but Jermaine and Tito try to persuade Marlon and Jackie to reconsider after they hear new songs that were written for them.” Milking a Tragic Opportunity Tip #1: It’s best to perform songs when they’re still being written for you.
• Worst Cooks in America (Food, 10pm):  “The importance of flavor is emphasized when the recruits learn to make crepes.” Execution? Eh - not as important.