Already in its 15th season, the producers of Survivor continue to prove they will never lack locations to exploit.  This time around they stepped back in time and journeyed to one of the oldest countries of the world:  China.

The 16 contestants traveled by train from Shanghai to a 16th century Buddhist monastery where the ever-youthful Jeff Probst was waiting for them.  (I don’t know why they call Ryan Seacrest today’s version of Dick Clark; I really think Probst could give him a run for his money).  Upon arriving, the competitors were informed they’d be participating in a Buddhist ceremony.  Although Jeff assured them this was not a religious ceremony (just a way for the the natives to ‘welcome’ the new guests), Leslie (the Christian radio talk show host) felt extremely uncomfortable and walked out before it was even over.

I know I said Vanessa Hudgens may have the Quote of the Week—but that decision was terribly premature.  Leslie wins hands down.  Explaining why she couldn’t sit through the whole service, she said:  “I’m not a religious person, but I have a relationship with Jesus Christ.” (Hence her fear of idols).  Now I have no problem with her exercising her beliefs—but she’s not religious???  She’s a Christian talk show host!!!

Once out of the monastery, Jeff explained that letting go of worldly possessions was one of the principals of Buddhism.  In other words—the contestants needed to dump their suitcases and continue on with only the clothes they had on their backs.  Weirdly enough, they seemed to be shocked by this announcement.  Apparently 14 other seasons of this show did not teach them anything.  Did they really think they would get a wardrobe change?  What did surprise me was the fact they weren’t allowed to secure their tennis shoes.  What woman normally walks around in rubber-soled footwear?  BTW—it should be noted that one of the female contestants was for some reason starting the race without bra on.  (Just in case this proves to be an important detail later in this game—or in case it gives you a reason to watch).

The contestants were then given their signature buffs indicating the pre-assigned teams they would be starting on.  Here’s how the teams broke down:

Yellow Team/ ZHAN HU (‘fighting tiger’):

• Ashley—the professional wrestler (with the heavy combat boots and breasts)
• Chicken—the chicken farmer
• Dave—the bartender and former model
• Erik—the musician
• Frosti—the 20yo (male) student athlete (the youngest Survivor contestant ever)
• Jaime—the student from Univ. of South Carolina (a.k.a. the girl with no bra)
• Peih-gee—the (female) jewelry designer
• Sherea—the 4th grade school teacher

Red team/ FEI LONG (‘flying dragon’):

• Amanda—the former Miss Montana/ hiking guide
• Aaron—the surfing instructor
• Courtney—the New York City waitress
• Denise—the middle-school lunch lady (with rockin’ mullet)
• James—the grave digger
• Jean-Robert—the professional Poker player
• Leslie—the Christian radio talk show host
• Todd—the gay Mormon flight attendant

Before their departures, the teams were given two items to take with them:  a map and a transcript of The Art of War (apparently the single greatest document on the history of strategy).  I’m sure the document will come in quite handy when they can’t find something else to light. Armed with next to nothing, the tribes then paddled to their new homes.  For the next 39 days, they would attempt to survive in a ‘harsh and remote’ section of China on the Lake of a Thousand Islands.

Once at their new camps, the tribe members were welcomed to a valuable stash of rice (from what I hear, they won’t be finding much else).  From that point on, the differences between the two became quite apparent.

Fei Long (the Red Team), lead by the muscular arms of James (the grave digger), got quickly to work on their new shelter.  Although there were some personality clashes—Courtney whined about being stuck with such a conservative group—they managed to work well together.  When they weren’t building, Jean-Robert and Todd were sizing each other up.  Jean-Robert (the Poker player) was convinced Todd was lying to him about his flight attendant job (apparently sniffing out bluffers was an occupational hazard) so he labeled him ‘devious’.  Meanwhile, Leslie was doing her best to bond with the quiet and introverted James—though I’m convinced she just wanted a reason to touch him.  Is there anything in the Bible that says you shouldn’t covet hot grave diggers?

Elsewhere on the island, Zhan Hu (the Yellow Team) was taking their own sweet time getting adjusted—much to the dismay of Peih-gee, the worker bee.  Who needs shelter?  It’s time to dance!  Chicken, who’s had a lot of expertise living in the woods, felt the disrespect most elders typically do in this competition.  After having his two cents ignored, he chose to remain indifferent.  Unfortunately with no real leadership, Zhan Hu had to endure a wet night inside a shoddy shelter.  It didn’t help matters that Ashley (the wrestler) didn’t live up to her physical expectations.  If she wasn’t trying to throw up, she was in the fetal position complaining of chills.  Dave, the first two-faced backstabber of the competition, did his best to comfort Ashley.  Although he told her she shouldn’t assume she’d be on the chopping block, he was already contemplating her possible exit.

Both tribes later gathered for the first challenge of the season.  Luckily, their packed running shoes were returned to them because they faced the first of many obstacle courses.  The teams had to carry a large, snake-like ceremonial mascot through a maze, over some drawbridges and through a swamp.  Thanks to Frosti and James, the competition remained close for most of the battle.  But in the end, Fei Long eked out the win.  For their reward, they were given the immunity idol and the important flint.

Once back at camp, Peih-gee cried in frustration.  Not only did her team lose, but she had a crappy camp to return to.  She later became quite testy with Chicken because he was reluctant to give an opinion on their new shelter’s design.  Needless to say Peih-gee’s bossiness unfortunately irritated many of her fellow tribe members.  Meanwhile, Chicken and Dave were aiming to cut the dead weight (a.k.a. the now-recovered Ashley) out of their tribe.

Later at Tribal Council, it was a bit unclear which way the votes would go.  Could they appreciate someone who was a bit older but didn’t quite fit in (Chicken)?  Would they be able to tolerate a bossy, yet productive woman (Peih-Gee)?  Or would they kick off the sickly tribal member who hadn’t managed to contribute anything thus far (Ashley)?

What am I talking about?  I knew which way this was going to go all along.  Ageists suck. LOSER:  Chicken

(You can read next week’s episode here.)