Every week I watch ESPN and listen to all of the football predictions, but I only really watch a couple of the (sometimes up to) sixteen games.  Sometimes I only watch one (go Steelers!).  What I do watch though is a whole bunch of reality competition shows, and I never ever see programs predict winners on those.  Maybe that’s because most of these shows have been pre-taped and their outcomes have already determined.  But I’m going to ignore all that.  So, even though I don’t have a television show (yet) (or ever, really), I’ll use this forum to make my predictions on all of the reality shows I watch (and a few I don’t).  Here they are in glorious alphabetical order:

THE AMAZING RACE:
Two episodes in, it’s still hard to tell.  You never know who’s going to get a delayed flight or rack up some bad taxi karma, but let me do my best here.  Azaria & Hendekea appear to be doing well, so I’ll put them in the final three.  Lorena & Jason did well in the second leg, and, most importantly, they have yet to annoy me, so they get to be there too.  For the final spot…I say Kynt & Vyxsin.  Yes, I know that before the show I hated them, and I still can’t stand the concept of Goth on principle alone, but they seem to be good competitors and more likeable than I would have guessed.

And the winner is…Azaria & Hendekea.  They’re smart, in shape, and being brother and sister they can fight with each other without having everything come to a grinding halt.  Congratulations, you two, in advance.  Or retrospect.  Or whatever.

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL:
Let’s get it straight: Heather’s going to win.  She’s beautiful, takes direction well and Tyra loves it when the winner has a good backstory (in this case, having a condition that Tyra has trouble pronouncing).  And I think Heather deserves to win, so that’s great.

But let’s back up a little and talk about Sarah’s booting this week.  Tyra was initially so proud that they had a (their phrase) “regular-size model,” but when Sarah started losing a little weight, the judges freaked out because they didn’t know what to do with her.  Was she too small to be a plus-size model?  Was she too big to be a standard model?  Who’s been eating my porridge, who’s been sleeping in my bed?

Hey, Tyra:  It’s your show.  You can do whatever you want.  If you want to change the size of what’s considered acceptable for models, go ahead and do it.  Who’s to stop you?  There’s no governing board of modeling that will crack down on you and take away your delegates for the national modeling convention.  Don’t preach empowerment and then tell the contestants that your hands are tied.  I liked Sarah.  I thought she was funny and interesting and a good model, but evidently you couldn’t conceive of a world where she could be a model.  And that’s a little sad.

Okay, PSA over, now back to snarkiness.

AMERICA’S MOST SMARTEST MODEL:
Before I make my prediction, let me just say that I’m ecstatic Rachel Myers is gone.  Rarely have I seen anyone so proud of her lack of what she derisively labeled “book learning.”  If you’re on a show dedicated to finding a smart model, maybe your ignorance shouldn’t make you so optimistic.

Okay, so the prediction. I think it’ll probably come down to Pickel and Andre - the Ivan Drago-wannabe who, by the way, was recently arrested for alleged sexual misconduct and aggravated harassment.  And the winner will be…Pickel.  Why?  He does very well in the intelligence challenges, he models well in the photo shoots, but most importantly, HIS NAME IS PICKEL.  Yes, I understand that that’s his last name, but come on.  Who doesn’t want a guy named Pickel to win this weird show?  How much fun will it be to hear Ben Stein say, “America’s Most Smartest Model is Pickel.”  It’ll be the perfect cherry on top of this weird little sundae of a show.

THE BACHELOR:
I don’t watch this show, so let’s go to the website.  Only two people left?  Sweet, I’ve got a 50/50 shot.  Hmm, DeAnna or Jenni, Jenni or DeAnna?

Um…flipping coin…congratulations, DeAnna.  I wonder if that’s how the actual Bachelor makes his choice.

DANCING WITH THE STARS:
Okay, I don’t watch this either, but I’ll use all my powers of deductive reasoning.  Cameron, I don’t know who you are, so you’re out.  Helio, you’re an athlete, kinda, and athletes do well on this show so you’ll probably be in the finals.  Mel B, you were in a group that had a decent amount of dancing, so you’re in consideration.  Jennie Garth, you were on 90210 and so I resent you for wasting so much of my life (and choosing you instead of Brandon or Dylan).  Marie Osmond, you are beloved by people over a certain age around this country, but I don’t know how many people are going to support you as a dancer.

So I’ll say Helio and Mel B in the finals, and the winner is…Mel B.  Just as a symbolic slap in the face against Posh and Becks and, of course, America’s true arch-enemy: soccer.

I LOVE NEW YORK 2:
I always thought Buddha was going to do very well, and now that he’s come back I definitely see him in the final two.  Going up against him? SPOILER ALERT (I hate to do that, but I don’t feel like getting yelled at by the odd person who doesn’t think the show is already spoiled by, you know, existing): if you watched the previews for the entire season after the first episode, you saw that, like New York before him, Chance is coming back to compete.  And like New York in Flavor of Love 2, Chance will make it to the final two as well.

But who will win?  I’m torn over this.  Part of me thinks that New York wouldn’t subject Chance to the same humiliation that she went through, but maybe I’m giving her too much credit.  Ultimately, my prediction is…Buddha.  She likes him too much to give him up.  Don’t feel bad for Chance.  My bonus prediction is that next year on VH1 you’ll be seeing promos for their newest show: Second Chance at Love.

THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN BAND:
Come on, nobody really watches this show, right?  Again, website work.  Let’s say…Franklin Bridge.  They list Radiohead and R. Kelly as influences, plus their drummer is named Lil Darrell Robinson and that’s enough for me.

PROJECT RUNWAY:
This one really isn’t fair because the show hasn’t even started yet, so I’m going to go on pictures alone.  The final three will be Chris (because he kinda looks like Ricky Gervais), Steven (because he looks just geeky enough to like) and Sweet P (because she is named Sweet P).  The winner…Steven.  Shows like Chuck and The Big Bang Theory have taught us that geeks are the new cool.  Unfortunately.

SURVIVOR:
Let’s see.  James is clearly the strongest, he has two immunity idols and they keep giving him the hero edit—so he’s not going to win.  Todd is the schemer who thinks he’s the smartest—so he’s not going to win.  That leaves Frosti.  Frosti’s going to be the winner.  He’s athletic enough to stick around for a while, he’s made enough friends to stay away from the early votes and he’s avoided openly screwing people over (making him popular with the future jury).

By the way, take a look at the thumbnail headshot of waitress Courtney on the CBS website.  Doesn’t she look just like Mr. Jay from America’s Next Top Model?  Creepy.

All right, that’s it for me.  Please note that all predictions are for entertainment purposes only and not for help in gambling, because if you’re gambling on reality show winners, you are really quite dumb.