If you’ve read my past two blogs on Big Brother 9, you may remember me likening the subscription-based 24/7 Big Brother house feed to watching paint dry. My information was based entirely on past seasons. (No one needed to see an uncut version of Chicken George in BB season 1.)  Based on what I’ve been able to pinch off the internet for free this season though, boy was I wrong. In fact, it appears the most interesting things that happen in that house are too naughty to show on network TV.

First though lets talk about what happened on Night 3 in the PG-rated version on CBS. The CliffsNotes version is that Head Of Household pair Amanda and Alex nominated Jen and Parker and Allison and Ryan for eviction.  This after Jen and Parker decided to tell everyone that Jen and Ryan are dating and have been for 9 months. They did it because they feared Allison would spill the secret first. In the end, all this dumb bit of strategy did was prove that both couples are a liability and that Jen is a loud-mouth pain in the butt.

The show started with some of the house guests musing about Amanda and Alex as HOH. Parker and Jen, who won the power to evict in a previous show, now found themselves powerless in the house. Parker likened it to going from Brad and Angelina to Pauly Shore and Kathy Griffin.  Chelsia was annoyed by Amanda’s passion for booty shorts and bouncy boob tops.

A bit later, the house guests found their pictures now posted on the wall. Jen decided that would be a perfect time to make everyone hate her a little bit more. She told them her picture was first in the line because she is going to win the show. Mild-mannered homeless bicyclist James called Jen the cockiest person in the house. Parker agreed and told his partner to chill out before they get kicked out.

Allison reiterated what a biatch she thinks Jen is and complained that the game was no good for her because she didn’t want to be with someone else’s boyfriend. She told Ryan she wouldn’t be bullied by Jen and threatened once again to reveal Ryan and Jen’s relationship if things got too messy. Ryan promised to protect Allison over Jen if it came down to it.

Next, Big Brother brought the jovial mood to a screeching halt. It started when Amanda complained that people think she is dumb because she has a high-pitched voice. She then revealed that her father committed suicide when she was 21 years old. He apparently hung himself after leaving an accusatory voice mail on her cell phone saying she was never there for him when he needed it and that he had nothing left to live for. Amanda says her father had post-traumatic stress disorder and was bi-polar. She says that experience is why she is always smiling, happy and nurturing because life is too short to do otherwise.  After that we see Amanda’s partner Alex in another room showing a piece of melted steel from 9-11. His father died in the September 11th attacks.

Enough of real life troubles and back to pure stupidity.  Jen decided that Allison was too likely to reveal the big secret so she decided it was time for her and Parker to tell everyone the truth. First Parker told Alex and Matt, then Natalie and Amanda.  Amanda was angry because she trusted that everyone was on the up and up. When Allison found out what Parker and Jen had done, she confronted them saying Jen was “gonna be sad about yourself after this.”  Won’t they all. She also called Jen ridiculous and proved via Sheila that she hadn’t told their secret because - as she told Sheila - she promised Ryan she wouldn’t.

Joshuah suspected that maybe others in the house had relationships pre-dating the Big Brother house. Amanda and Alex called a meeting and asked everyone in the house to swear on a bible that they didn’t. Natalie, the bikini barista, decided that was a good time to swear on the bible that she hadn’t had sex in 9 months either. You say tomato, I say to-ma-to - but anyone who has subscribed to the Big Brother 24/7 feed or has access to YouTube would beg to differ. More on that in a moment.

Meanwhile, Natalie’s partner Matt and Amanda’s partner Alex deepened their growing friendship by forming an alliance to protect each other until the end. Alex swore on his dead father’s good name. Gotta stop using that pal, it’s starting to wear thin.

Allison and Sheila decided to create their own twist to the game by telling the house guests that they are actually lesbian lovers. They started by telling real-life gay guy Joshuah who freaked out and quickly told his partner Neil. The two of them agreed it must be true because of some ugly riding boots one of the women had been wearing day in and day out! Allison called their idea a power move; most people would just call it dumb and offensive to real lesbians.

Sheila, the 40-something former Penthouse Pet and stay-at-home single mom, continued her litany of complaints against her partner Adam who has somehow grown on some of the guys in the house. They defended him and argued with Sheila to the point where she threw herself on her bed while crying hysterically. Get a grip lady.

Finally, mercifully, it was time for the nomination ceremony. Not a big surprise here, Alex and Amanda nominated Jen and Parker or Ryan and Allison for eviction saying the move was purely strategic. Parker blamed Jen saying she’ll probably screw up what little chance they have left with her big mouth.

That is the official version of Big Brother 9 from CBS. If you pay to subscribe to the 24/7 live feed or have seen any clips on YouTube, you know there is a lot of dirty stuff going on in that house. Most of the action has been between real-life mates Jen and Ryan. But the grossest scene so far has to be Natalie and Matt. While Natalie holds on to the Clinton-era theory that oral sex isn’t really sex, the rest of America would beg to differ. Cameras and microphones - people did you not read the contract? One also hopes Natalie wasn’t expecting Matt to respect her in the morning. He’s already been caught on the after hours feed listing other house guests (female only so far) he’d like to get to know in the carnal way.

Obviously CBS needed to spice up the moldy Big Brother franchise - but did they have to do it by turning it into Paradise Hotel? This lot of one-dimensional characters is making the Dr. Will, Boogie and Chilltown days seem positively smart and relevant. Where is Chicken George when you need him?

The next Big Brother 9: ‘Til Death Do You Part airs Tuesday at 9 p.m. Eastern and Pacific on CBS.