It’s all about the 70’s this week on American Idol, and upon hearing this wonderful news I was instantly interested. There are many, many fabulous songs from this decade. Last week it was 60’s, now it’s 70’s…okay, I’m sensing a theme. This can only mean the 80’s are to follow, and if this is the case I must make a general plea: please, please, someone do a punk rock song. The 80’s! You can’t deny punk rock. That being said, we’ll get back to the Tuesday night performances. (Though I will say, here and now, that I’m thoroughly disappointed no one picked Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” Tuesday).

Michael Johns of the gorgeous accent stepped out on stage first and started off sounding…well, not great. I don’t know if it was the sound board or Johns himself, but he began “You Can Go Your Own Way” on a few rough notes. Being a consummate performer, Johns pulled it out at the end and finally mustered up some energy. He gave the song a self-saving strong finish. Randy Jackson said the performance was a “nice way to start it off,” meaning the night itself, though Jackson admitted the performance wasn’t Michael’s best. Paula told Johns he “got the whole crowd workin’,” and said he’s “charming.” Simon didn’t sugar-coat. He told Johns it was “okay,” “by far the weakest performance” of the competition for Johns and that it was a “weak choice of song.”

Perhaps dreadlocked Jason Castro can change the energy of the room? Again with guitar in hand, Castro stepped up to sing the Bee Gees - but I’m still not even sure what the name of the song was. Honestly, I did not like Castro when I first saw him, but the more I hear him sing the more I’m beginning to accept him. The performance was upbeat, and I actually found myself grooving along with Castro. Randy said Castro is “all cool” with a guitar, but the performance was “okay” and even a little “karaoke.” Paula Abdul thinks Castro is cute, thought the song choice was “clever” (sweetie, there’s nothing clever about Barry Gibb) and says he’ll be around next week - and next time, don’t use the guitar. Simon told Castro “the song was horrible” and “too schmaltzy” with weak vocals. He even called the performance “out of sorts.”

Luke Menard, the guy I always forget even exists, next came on stage to pretend to be Freddie Mercury. I applaud his bravery in choosing “Killer Queen,” and admit that he tried valiantly to sound like Mercury…but, he didn’t. I thought the vocals were all over the place, and Menard lost me halfway through the song. I was looking for the remote when a thought stayed my hand - Danny Noriega had yet to perform. I grudgingly turned back to Luke (who still wasn’t done butchering his Queen song). Randy said Luke chose a tough song, but he did like this performance better than the one from last week. Paula loved the song choice and loved his vocals, leading me to believe she stopped paying attention as well. Simon called the performance a “mistake” (it was) and said that Mercury has “charisma and personality” (it’s true) and that “you didn’t.” Cowell further went on to say the performance was “verging on whiny.” Listen, I can’t even remember the guy’s name 80% of the time anyway.

Robbie Carrico of the unbrushed blonde locks and the circa 1994 chain wallet came next to sing Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded,” officially becoming the worst song choice of the night. The performance was more cold than hot, and Randy Jackson took a parental mien as he told Robbie that rock just might not be the thing for him. He said Carrico did a “pretty good job” but it was “just okay.” Randy pointed out that rock is an attitude, which is totally true. Paula thought Carrico played it a little safe, and Simon barely commented by calling the performance “okay.”

Cutie Danny Noriega appeared next. During his “getting to know the Idols” film footage, Danny said he was in a punk rock band a few years ago. Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly love him more! I do have sort of a problem with Danny’s penchant for skinny pants, however. He sang the hell out of “Don’t You Remember You Told Me You Loved Me Baby.” This kid has got plenty of charisma and great vocal ability…and my affection. Randy told Danny he’s a fun guy, but don’t be afraid to speed up songs. Paula told him he has “amazing vocal skill” but don’t over-think performances. Simon told Danny last week was a disaster, but this week was better. He even told Danny he “looks terrific on camera” and that he stands out in a crowd.

I’m going to interject here. I realize I’m supposed to be listening, but you’re broadcasting the show on TV so my eyes are involved as well. So why, Idol men, are you assaulting them with your horribly under-thought fashion choices? Seriously, the style problems on this show are becoming very distracting. I’m so horrified with the wardrobe I can hardly hear a note. Dress yourselves, gents. You’re on TV.

David Hernandez started his performance of “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” on the stairs and promptly began singing for his Idol life. I admit, he really gave the performance a lot of oomph for a change but came really, really close to way over-singing the song. David tried desperately to display charisma, then completely over-sang the ending in such a way that I nearly ran from the room. Randy told him “that’s how to put it down” which I thought meant he wanted David to put the microphone down (and just stop singing), but then he called the performance “hot” so we’re obviously not on the same page. Paula called his voice “pure” and then said he didn’t over-do the song. Simon said it was the best vocal of the night, then told Hernandez not to sulk and act childish when he gets criticized. David thanked God that Simon now accepts him into the competition.

Next came Jason Yeager, the kid who butchered my “Moon River” last week and still persists on keeping the Pepe la Peu stripe in his head. He gave “Long Train Runnin’” tons of energy, his performance full of weird dance moves and head-bobbing that actually made mine ache. I feel really bad for this guy, actually. He started to lose the lyrics near the middle of the song, began to stumble through, and then gave it another weird ending. He tried hard. Randy didn’t like the song choice and called the performance “very pitchy” and “karaoke,” saying he “didn’t really get it.” Gone are the days of Jackson screaming “you blew it out the box” and punctuating every third word with “dog.” Tuesday, for some reason, he started using Simon Cowell phrasing. Paula told Jason it was “fun to see this side of you” but said the song didn’t show his vocal range. Tell it like it is, Simon. Cowell told Jason “last week was boring.” And this week? “Just awkward and ordinary,” Cowell continued, with a “horrific ending.” He even said Jason sang like he was “drunk at a party” and called it a “ghastly performance.” He called Jason a “very good singer” who “can’t perform well,” which I think just about sums it up.

For those of you who didn’t watch the show, you may not be aware that Tuesday night was filled with more commenting and interviewing than actual singing. I thought it was tedious and so did Simon Cowell, who likened the show to the Oscars and said it was full of “never ending speeches.” But there was much more verbal filler to come.

Chikezie came on the stage next to sing “I Believe to My Soul” with plenty of soul in his performance. He really put himself into the song and gave us all an entertaining, fun show to watch. He even poked a little tongue-in-cheek humor at Simon Cowell for mispronouncing his name. Randy said “this is the guy we fell in love with,” and called the performance “blazing.” Paula said it was “brilliant” and “fun.” Simon told Chikezie he “looked better,” “sounded better,” and even applauded him for a “very clever choice of song.” Cowell did manage to get his digs in, calling last week’s performance a “horror show.” Then Chikezie lost my newly-acquired esteem by again mouthing back to Simon. He did pull himself back and apologized, but Cowell still called him “obnoxious” and pointed out that Chikezie’s mother was “horrified.” Chikezie then went into a huge spiel about his song selection, which I found totally annoying. I will say this, though, he’s really at-ease in front of the cameras and has a natural likability…unless he’s talking back to Simon Cowell.

Addicted-to-crosswords David Cook came out next with his electric guitar…but his performance of “All Right Now” wasn’t all that electric. Cook has a great rock n roll voice and look, but he brought very little originality to the song. Randy called the performance “a real rock show” and went on to say that Cook is “the real rocker from the boys.” Robbie Carrico - ouch. Paula said the band was on fire and called Cook the “real deal.” Simon said the performance was “solid” and even “sort of believable,” but he called the crosswords “boring” and said Cook doesn’t have a whole lot of charisma. Then, Cook started to get cheeky with Simon and I was ready to oust him immediately from the show. Listen here, you upstarts - shut up when Cowell is speaking! Paula said that “women like smart men.” Simon then said that he (Simon) is getting “slightly irritated” and reminded everyone that the criticism is supposed to be constructive. And how. If these kids would listen to Cowell, they’d be quite all right.

In the last-place position came adorable David Archuleta, who’s never failed to impress me. Then, David began to sing my favorite song in the entire world. Yes, I’m in love with John Lennon. In almost all cases that I have ever heard a single John Lennon song re-done by any other performer, I’ve been sent into a tailspin of rage and hatred. I love “Imagine” and usually never want to hear another sing my favorite tune.

At first I started to grimace - he didn’t even do the song with a piano, but with a guitar! But then…I listened to David sing. He sang it differently than John sang it…yet somehow, it was okay. Okay? It was better than okay - it was probably the best Idol performance I’ve ever heard. In seven seasons. His soaring vocals, his captivating emotion…David’s performance was the best of the night by a country mile. Randy agreed with me, saying “dog, that’s one of the best vocals I’ve ever heard on this show” and emphasized that it was “bril-liant.” Paula told David, “you are ridiculous,” and then went on to say (verbatim) “I want to squish you, squeeze your head off, and dangle you from my rear view mirror.” Which I admit is one of the most bizarre things she’s ever said, but in this case I actually kinda get where she’s coming from. David is a shy, diffident teenager most of the time, but give him a stage and a song and he’s the best singer on the whole damned show. He’s actually probably too good for American Idol. Paula said his was one of “the most moving performances” she’s ever heard and predicted that David is “destined for super-stardom.” Simon told David it was a “very, very risky” move to sing John Lennon, “but it worked.” He then went on to say “right now, you’re the one to beat.” Boy, that’s the truth.