First of all, congratulations to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.  She gave birth to a beautiful (and considering the genes, this is more than a figure of speech) bouncing baby girl - Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.  Shiloh, welcome to the beginning of a strange life.  And word of advice, when all of you get older, Maddox and Zahara will probably hate you because you’ll be the only “legit” kid and actually look like mommy and daddy, but don’t let them get to you.  Just get all M.C. Hammer on them and say that you’re 2 legit… a legit Jolie-Pitt and that they’re just adopted.  But, I’m being snarky now.

In any case, so where were you when you found out the news?  I’m sorry the BREAKING NEWS as E! likes to say.  I was watching the Chelsea Handler Show (funny and subtle compared to the in-your-face antics of most sketch comedy shows) at 12:30am on a Saturday night (I’m married now and don’t do that clubbing thing anymore), when all of a sudden the BREAKING NEWS flashed on the screen and, forgetting the channel I was watching, thought that something happened in Iraq or some natural disaster occurred or something that was legitimately BREAKING NEWS!

But what did I see as I brought my buttcheeks to the end of my chair?  Ryan Seacrest.  A natural reaction upon seeing Seacrest, my buttcheeks instantly drew itself back, far away from his visage. 

In any case, surreality came back to me, and upon regaining my bearings, listened to Seacrest “report” the birth of Brangelina’s baby girl.  I wasn’t hanging upon every word he was saying, but I was interested being a celeb-o-phile, which you shouldn’t tell anyone as I would lose ALL street cred in this admission.  Anyway, something happened at the end of this BREAKING NEWS that just made me sigh and shake my head.

Seacrest signed off as “Seacrest.”

What is wrong with this man?!?!?  Okay, I can sort of understand the third person reference for American Idol because that whole “Seacrest out” thing was catchy and millions… and I mean millions of people dug it.  But, does Seacrest really have to refer to himself in the third person for a 20 second report about Brangelina having a baby?  Yo, Mr. Straight Line Smile (Don’t lips usually curve?  Seriously.  I guess it must be the Botox), it’s not always about you.  The report is about Brangelina and the birth of their child, the same way this post is about them and you.  Geez!  What a “dropping my name” whore.  Anyway, it’s late here on the East Coast…

Velasco out.