American Idol predictably opened Tuesday night with a plug for iTunes, and more self-congratulatory talk about how this is the best season ever - with the most talent. Judge Randy Jackson quickly seconded this opinion, throwing out a bunch of jumbled slang as he gave this review. Host Ryan Seacrest became contentious with Simon Cowell right away, proving that all the same old clichés will still apply to the show. Thusly, another season of Idol - featuring the most talented performers ever on the show (Seriously, y’all think that?) - began.

Poor David Hernandez got the undesirable starting position, appearing on stage bug-eyed and tongue-tied. His version of “Midnight Hour” was so forgettable for me, the only reason I remember the impression is because I took notes. Simon Cowell said David looked nervous, but all in all the performance was “better than I thought it was going to be.” I’ll second that. I feel like this poor guy is just on the show to get voted off - soon.

Chikezie, whose name has been mysteriously shortened like he’s suddenly Cher, was next. He looked great and sounded good, but the sluggish arrangement he gave to “More Today Than Yesterday” was just about enough to get me to change the channel. (I didn’t, because I had yet to see Danny Noriega). Randy Jackson said the performance was old-fashioned but “a’right,” Paula called him a “throwback to great R&B” (which she made sound like a compliment but I think she just hammered the nail into his Idol coffin), and Simon hated it all. He even said Chikezie’s suit was “hideous,” and that the performance was “old-fashioned, corny, cheesy.” Chikezie mouthed back to Cowell in a big Idol no-no, potentially solidifying his fate as a quick cast-off.

David Cook was next, giving a darker-toned rock edge to “So Happy Together,” one of the sweetest bubble gum pop songs ever to come out of The Turtles. He sounded great and looked totally lost, carrying the mike stand around with him oddly. But close your eyes and it was a perfect performance. Simon even complimented Cook with “you almost made it believable.” Just let’s leave the mike stand on its mark, okay?

Jason Yeager, whom I’ve barely seen, came next. No matter how hard I try, I absolutely can’t get past the peculiar blonde patch in this guy’s head. Honestly, what does he think that looks like to people? He sang “Moon River,” composed by Henry Mancini and famously sung by Audrey Hepburn (whom I worship) in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He killed it, messed up the lyrics, gave a completely lackluster performance, and in general incurred my greatest wrath and loathing. The strong finish helped, but Simon Cowell called it a “cruise ship” performance and said Jason is like a “dependable old dog.” Ouch.

Robbie Carrico, long-haired blonde guy, came on next to put his own rock feeling to “One.” Randy called the performance nice, and Paula Abdul went into a spiel about how authentic Robbie is. Simon disagreed with the authenticity, but said it was “the only current performance” of the night thus far.

Finally adorable David Archuleta came on stage. I perked up. At last - a good performance! Singing “Better Shop Around,” with a slightly sultry look in his eye, David did not disappoint. Randy called the performance “brilliant,” Paula said it was a “brave, bold choice of song” and called him an “older soul,” which wasn’t even close to being her most ridiculous comment of the evening (yes, sad but true). Simon simply told the truth, “when you’ve got it, you’ve got it.” David definitely has “it.” Cowell even dubbed it the best performance of the night. David was good it’s true, but he didn’t have a huge standard to sing up to at that point, either.

Danny Noriega, whom I just adore, was next. He came on stage to give a rocking, rollicking version of “Jailhouse Rock” I was ready to go out and purchase, but Simon Cowell for once rarely disagreed with me. And I thought we were of one mind, Simon! He called it “verging on grotesque,” “hideous” and “awful.” I say it was superb - quite.

Luke Menard found a way to make “Everybody’s Talkin’ At Me” even more boring and ballad-like. Randy told him it “wasn’t great,” Paula babbled for a bit, and Simon told him the truth - it was “forgettable.” Luke disagreed, saying people will remember his confidence. Let’s hope they remember something other than your singing, buddy.

Colton Berry, who admittedly I have a bit of a grudge against, came on stage and didn’t let me down - he gave a pretty uninspired performance. The arrangement he gave to Elvis’s “Suspicious Minds” was downright strange, there was no spark about him at all, and once again his hair is a terrible tragedy. I can hardly look away, but it’s a sort of horrified-please-peel-my-eyes-off-this disgust. Paula even agreed it wasn’t his best performance, harsh words from her. Simon told him he’s not a recording artist, “just a young kid who might have a career in musical theater.” Or hairstyling.

Garrett Haley, who honestly looks like a chick from 1984, turned the very fun and pop-friendly “Breakin’ Up is Hard to Do” into a terribly depressing, desperate ballad. Garrett is one of the many male contestants this year who has no claim to style or fashion sense of any kind. Randy said he loves the song, but “you didn’t do it anything with it,” and that it was “kinda boring.” I thought this was pretty kind. Paula told him a slow tempo brings the performance down, which I think translates into my more honest depressing. Simon said Garret “looked terrified” and his looks in general are “verging on haunted.”

Jason Castro of the massive dreadlocks came next, and I was all geared up to dislike him based on hair alone (I do that). He came out after another iTunes plug to strum a guitar and sing “What a day for a Daydream” with a sort of blues-y edge. His up-tempo performance was only slightly shadowed by a bit of a rough ending, but overall he was a ton more fun than most of the guys who performed. Jason, you have a new fan - probably lots of them. Paula was blown away by it, and Simon said it was in the top two performances of the night. He also told Jason he has “it” and lots of charisma, too.

Michael Johns was lucky enough to snag the closing position, which is perhaps why he turned “Light My Fire” from The Doors up an extra two notches and almost wrecked himself on stage. His vocals were incendiary, and he did manage to close it all on a very good note. Randy called him a true “rock legend performer” and Simon called him the “most consistent contestant” with “natural charisma.” Obviously, Johns is a favorite.

(You can find all the American Idol 7 posts here.)