Welcome to the first edition of I’m Just Writin’… here on Endscore.  This will be my weekly column where I will take a look back at the past week in sports with a dash of pop culture because who doesn’t like pop culture?  I mean, besides anarchists and Ferris Bueller’s Economics teacher.

So, just like that one uncle in your family that asks you to pull his finger, let’s let ‘em rip!

Oh, Ricky, You’ll Be Fine, You’ll Be Fine, Just Smoke Some Twine…

So, Ricky Williams will miss the 2006 NFL season due to his fourth violation of the NFL substance abuse policy.  Honestly, I’m happy for him.  Why?  Williams obviously still has the ability to bust through the line and take it to the house, but I never got a sense that he was sincerely into the game.  Sure, he said all of the right things, but I think it was out of gratitude to the Dolphins organization, his teammates, and especially head coach Nick Saban who went to bat for Williams numerous times.  I’m sure Williams is as disappointed as anyone, but I say, “Good for you, Ricky!”

Ricky (can I call you that… can I pretend I know you), take the year off and find yourself.  It seems you were doing that before you came back to play football last season.  This time your journey to find yourself will go uninterrupted for a whole year.  Study holistic medicine, do yoga, go camping in the Himalayas.  Heck, laze around a friend’s basement and do nothing but eat Doritos and dream of frolicking in the trees!  Just use this time and decide on whether or not you REALLY want to play the ol’ pigskin. 

I tell you this because I care.

Oh, and for all you fantasy football fanatics… Ronnie Brown.

To Cheese or Not To Cheese (And I’m Not Talking About This Heading)

In other NFL news, there are reports that Brett Favre will return to the Packers for the 2006 season.  Honestly, at this point, I’ll need to see Favre in uniform on September 10th getting ready to play Da Bears at Green Bay.  Otherwise, I’m thinking he’s still doing me like my high school prom date – “Yes!  No… Yes!  No…”  Quit playing games and messing with the tip! Shout out to Benny Nebs.

It Must Be The Anachronistic ‘Stache (Hernandez Part One)

We all know about Keith Hernandez’s sexist remark by now - “Who is the girl in the dugout with the long hair? What’s going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout.” Here’s the thing, it was an ABSOLUTELY stupid comment and Hernandez was found with his pants down (which probably isn’t the first time, come to think of it) and there was no comeback or any sort of apology that would have forgiven The Hernandez Slip of Misogyny.  But, have you ever heard his television commentary?  It’s ludicrously horrible!!!  It’s bad enough that he had to worry about what was coming out of his mouth, but now to potentially mess him up even more (if that’s possible), Hernandez has to worry about what’s going in.

Not Massaging Egos (Hernandez Part Two)

Kelly Calabrese… YOU GO, GIRL!  In all seriousness, Ms. Calabrese, we’re talking about Keith Hernandez here - former All-Star and MVP, had a few great seasons, a face that stood out from the cast of characters that he was a part of, and even appeared on an episode of Seinfeld.  Basically, he sounds a lot like this guy.  AY-YO!

Like L.L. Said - Don’t Call It A Comeback!

I felt bad last season when Greg Maddux didn’t get his 15 wins to make it 18 seasons in a row with at least that many victories. EIGHTEEN friggin’ seasons!!!  How ridiculously amazing is it to achieve 15 wins in 17 consecutive seasons?!?!  Continue to deal like this pitcher, Mr. Maddux, and you’ll be all good, sir.

The Sequel?

Hey, Steve Nash… I’m hearing things.  Maybe this is premature, but the things I hear sound pretty good… pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.  Just do us a favor and button the shirt a couple of more times up when you receive the award.  We know you have a lot of hair already.

Silly Red Sox, Tricks Are For Kids

Yes, yes, yes, Curt Schilling and Josh Beckett are doing great for the Boston Red Sox, but I’m giving props here to the shipped off stepchild, Bronson Arroyo, who is now 4-0 and one of the main reasons (the offense being the other) the Cincinnati Reds are 15-7 and only half a game out from leading the N.L. Central.  After refusing to take more money and signing a hometown discount with the BoSox during this past offseason, Arroyo was eventually shipped off to the Reds for OF Wily Mo Pena.  Great show of loyalty, Red Sox!  Real classy.  Until today’s afternoon game, Pena actually trailed Arroyo in homers (they’re now tied at two apiece).  I actually wish that Arroyo was pitching for the New York Yankees and having the same success just to stick it to the Sawx.  Bastages!!!

LeBron Working His Magic

After watching the Cleveland Cavaliers first playoff game in what seems like a long time, LeBron James is, in fact, the Chosen One.  What a debut!  32 points, 11 rebounds, 11 assists – the first triple-double in a playoff debut since Magic Johnson did it for the Los Angeles Lakers.  All James needed were the bulky kneepads and the Magic comparison would have been a done deal.  If anything, the kneepads would be an upgrade considering James’ previous choice of attire when he was left looking like another “Magic” type.

I Don’t Watch Hockey, But After Seeing This, I Just May Start

Props to my co-worker, Matt Hollender, for sending this clip to me.  I won’t write anymore other than to say to watch the whole clip and listen to the audio.  Unbelievable.

If I’m Breaking Any Copyright Law, I Don’t Mean To

Special shout out goes to Paul Reiser for inspiring the column title.  I’m simply mad about you, so please, don’t be mad at me.

Okay, folks that’s it.  Expect more tomfoolery next week and every week thereafter.  Til then, keep coming back to Endscore and support the site.  Me and Jeff need the money Andru is paying us.  Seriously, Jeff and I are both big fat Asian dudes and need Cupcake Money, so help us out. 

Love,
Helen Hunt