If you’ve harbored a secret fantasy about working in the hallowed halls of the former National Periodical Publications—the current DC Comics—then you have three shots at winning the comic book lottery this month. Parent company Time Warner has three openings for someone like you. Maybe not you specifically, but certainly someone like you.

First up, is Manager, International Business Development. Yeah, I have no idea what that is either, so I actually read the posting. The new hire “will research territories and new international publishing opportunities” as well as “prospect, pitch, and negotiate international publishing licenses (in person, via telephone and in writing).” There are a lot more responsibilities and requirements at the link, but here’s my favorite: “Analyze DC’s international business to understand trending and recognize opportunities to maximize profitability.” In other words, make us some money, college boy.

Next up, DC needs a Publishing Administrator for the “DC Publishing Operations” department. The job isn’t for me, but it might be for you if you can get past the first item on the responsibilities list: “Position will review product order information in relation to previous data in order to identify significant deviations.” That sounds like something Niles Caulder might do when he’s assembling a new Doom Patrol, but it doesn’t sound like something I’d want to do behind a desk. The winner of this job will have the usual assortment of desk jockey responsibilities but here’s the key thing to remember if it’s you: you’ll be the one who “maintains and manages a monthly comp list for product distribution.” That will make you my new best friend, old buddy.

And finally, DC’s looking for a Product Manager for their DC Direct division. That’s the bunch that makes all the cool DC toys, I mean collectibles. Once behind your desk, you’ll “help research and recommend properties available for licensing and establish timelines from production to marketing to sales, propose distribution channels, recommend marketing calendar and associated activities, work with cross-functional teams to ensure timely and on-strategy execution.” You gotta have that pesky experience, though. If you’ve worked for a manufacturer of licensed toy or collectible product, you’ll be a couple of single bound leaps ahead of the competition. Collecting and displaying the actual product in your parents’ basement may not count. You’ll need at least three super-powers to wow the gang at Human Resources: (1) “Ability to travel outside New York for up to a week at a time.” I’m guessing one of those trips is to Comic Con International and another is to the manufacturer in China. (2) “Ability to work weekends on occasion.” Well, that’s the collectibles business for you. And (3) “Ability to work overtime as needed.” Which is, of course, a requirement of every job in the world.

Here’s what leaps out at me: First, each of these job listings wants a candidate with strong computer skills and a knowledge of MSWord and Excel. Isn’t that a basic requirement now—all the kids are doing it. Is there anyone out looking for a white-collar job who still can’t figure out Word? Second, none of these positions are remotely related to where the industry is going—the internets. These are still all based on an industry that wants its paper and it wants it in four colors.

Still, these are good jobs to get and DC is known for having a very decent benefits package (with lots of nice paid days off). So get that resume polished and if you get any of these gigs, maybe remember to add me to DC’s comp list so I can snag some of their nice trades.

(You can find more comic book jobs here.)

[Artwork © DC Comics]