“Welcome to CAA, Archie’s pals and gals! (See what I did there?)

Now that we’re representing you guys, let me tell you how simply wonderful it’s going to be. Did you try the vitamin water? Isn’t it amazing? Trader Joe’s. I know! On to business. First, we’re going to take you out of the comic book ghetto that you’re in and put you into the ranks of Spielberg, Lucas and Simon Cowell. Have you thought about getting the band back together, by the way? Our corn syrup industry clients have expressed interest in a modern take on “Sugar Sugar.” Anyway, we will craft a cross-platform path for you guys that’ll make Marvel’s Avengers franchise look like Bring It On 3. I’m talking movies, TV shows, YouTube videos, Craig Ferguson, iPhone apps, Archiewear at Target, and Riverdale’s Funniest Home Videos.

You guys are the last great unexploited comic book franchise outside of Elfquest and really, elves with swords riding wolves? What’s that all about? So we’re going to move your needle, kids. I’m talking to Ang Lee—we call him Angst—anyway, I’m talking to his assistant’s personal assistant and he thinks you’re right for his next exploration of suburbia. He’s so done with super-heroes and good riddance! Gough and Millar are looking at you guys as their follow-up to Smallville called Riverdale. And NBCU is thinking Saved By The Bell: The Riverdale Years to compete with that Jonas/iCarly/Hannah triptych. And CBS wants CSI: Riverdale. So let’s talk—everything’s on the table, and it’s a very exciting time to be a property that needs its brand extended!

Veronica? Your imaginary marriage to Richie—sorry, I mean Archie—is over. I don’t even understand what that story’s all about. But you’re getting a full color divorce. We’re pitching you guys for a romcom in that Sex And The City/Prada/Sandy Bullock way and if you’re already married, no one’s gonna buy in. We’ve gotta get you back to the classic love triangle cage match. Two girls enter, one boy wins.

Jughead? Fashion tip—lose the hat, buddy. Felt crowns are out. Toys R Us hasn’t sold one of those things in decades. Now, let’s talk food. Hamburgers are great for guys your age, but we’re going to tie you down to a specific franchise. Pop Tate’s is yesterday’s news, so you’ll be eating Quarter Pounders from now on and McDonald’s is going to be your Jugheadquarters. Get it? They’re also looking at the possibility of a McArchie Burger—two mostly-beef patties on white bread with mayo. Yum!

Betty! What are those things on your chest? Bee stings? We’re going to have to enhance those puppies a little bit and see if those dogs’ll hunt. Have you ever considered it? Drives the guys wild, gets you a lot of hits on the web. Veronica might be able to fill up a bank account, but you need to fill up that blouse, honey, and fast. Wholesome is great, but this is a post-wholesome world. Even Betty White’s talking dirty now.

Reggie? You remind me of a James Spader-type before he got all puffy and infatuated with that Captain Kirk guy. You’re the original fast car, fast girl guy with a heartful of snark. It’s Fast Times at Riverdale High for you and you’re going to keep TMZ on its toes. We’re going to get you out into the club and party circuit with some of those slutty Disney Channel girls. I can tell by your smile you’re already there.

Richie? Sorry, Archie. What’s with all the red hair? Except for Conan O’Brien (and his ratings are tanking) no one goes for the red-headed star. Sure, there’s that chick from Desperate Housewives, but she’s got the hoots and the body to pull it off. Plus, y’know, crazy. So the first thing we do is unred you, cover up those freckles too. No more connect-the-dots face. From now on, you’ll be the unsuspecting single guy with a good life—the nice kid who finds himself in a tug of war between the security of Veronica’s money and warmth of Betty’s new body. What will you choose? It’s a classic American love story. You’re the new Ralph Fiennes/Matthew McConaughey without the faux British accent or the patchouli oil.

Dilton? Moose? I don’t even know you guys. Are you a couple or what? How did you get in here anyway?

So, let’s wrap this up. I’m late for the Ivy. Lunch with Ronaldo. You guys would love him! So buff! Great to meet you, Richie and all your Rivertown pals. Thanks for coming. Okay, air hug. Fantastic. Now tweet my assistant at any time. Sorry we don’t validate. Love you guys—mean it!”

[Artwork: Archie, Betty and Veronica, ©Archie Comics]