Aquaman! Welcome, your highness. Thanks for coming. Ted Belvedere, Department of Surf And Turf. Namor, that saltwater prick, didn’t even return my call. You want a shrimp cocktail before we start? I don’t think it’s anyone you know.

Can I call you Mr. Curry? Great. As you know there’s oil all over the Gulf of Mexico, thanks to BP’s “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?” emergency planning. Those gas-huffing boobs make Tea Party candidates look like Rhodes scholars. BP’s latest plan is to shove all the dead ducks into the pipe as a two-fer hail Mary: plug the hole and hide the damage. But the “Lucky Duck” won’t work any better than the Big Hat, the Wishful Thought or the Cork of Destiny.

We need a hero. A professional. We need the fashion-forward green-and-orange of the King Of What’ll Be Left Of The Seven Seas. That’s where you come in, Arthur.

We need you to go down there and cap that damn well on behalf of BP. They can’t waste any more time mismanaging this disaster. I think I speak for all of them, Artie, when I say we all just want to get this over with and go home so all those college kids and their bottles of Dawn can clean those beaches during their summer break.

We know, Art, you once spent a year searching for your kidnapped wife. Then someone cut off your hand or something, I see it’s back though. And your comic book series has had more failed launches than NASA, so you understand tragedy of this magnitude.

Now there are some rules. When you get to the Gulf, don’t look any of the BP executives in the eye. They hate that. Especially that Hayward doofus. He only makes eye contact with lobbyists and shareholders who’ve got $100 bills sticking out of their cleavage. BP will tell you what areas are off limits. No photographs. We don’t want people to know how bad it really is, right Big A? The airline industry still needs their summer season or they’ll start charging for toilet paper next. Stay away from the dead animals. It’s sad, but we can’t have people thinking of an oil-soaked Flipper every time they gas up.

And for God sakes, A-man, don’t put on any protective gear. We can’t let people think this stuff is toxic. The seafood lobby needs everyone to think that Tuna Packed In Oil and Petro Prawns are just as safe as Children’s Tylenol. Their new slogan is on the money: “Fish Oil Is Healthy. This Is Just More.”

Oil is natural. It comes from the dinosaurs. It’s older than Jesus. Think big picture and focus on the amount of money BP is losing every day. Let that be your guide.

Now the first thing we need you to do is pose for a few pictures. Big oil gets a big hand! Aquaman’s coming to save the day! That kind of thing. Do you still ride that giant sea horse? That’s killer. We’ll pose you in front of the BP logo. Then there’s some paperwork to sign, liability waivers, some vaccinations, a 1099. Do you have a Social Security number?

Since you’re still attached to the Justice League, this would be a part-time gig, so no benefits, sorry about that. But you do get a fresh seafood lunch prepared by an unemployed New Orleans chef. So, are you ready, Artie baby, or do you need to power up by jumping into some water before we leave?

Arthur? Mr. Curry? Aquaman? Now where’d he go? Dammit! Someone try Namor again! And what the hell is a “Seaguy!?”

[Artwork: Nick Cardy’s cover to Aquaman #56, © DC Entertainment]