It’s April 1, and I think everyone knows what that means…

MARVEL COMICS will introduce a new Spider-Man one-shot: Spider-Man: Hedge Fund, a comic book that you don’t actually own, can’t read and will actually decrease in value.

DC COMICS will continue their corporate policy of not allowing their employees to comment on blogs or engage in internet catfights. DC employees are, however, still encouraged to dictate letters to their secretaries who will type them up on their IBM Selectrics and mail them to the local newspaper.

To compete with Zuda, MARVEL COMICS will launch a new online initiative for creator-owned comics. It’ll be called Epic Fail.

PLATINUM STUDIOS has announced that they have entered into a joint venture with a pr firm to send out more press releases.

In an attempt to reach out to the digital generation, Marvel Comics will release a new X-MEN title: X-Men: Tech, which will introduce their new heroes: Twit’r, Phacebook, iPhoner, Mashed-Up, Avatard, and Utoob.

On the publication of the 39th annual edition of THE OVERSTREET COMIC BOOK PRICE GUIDE, Gemstone will publish The Overstreet Comic Book Price Guide Price Guide.

In an example of a growing trend in COMIC BOOK PIRACY, kids are illegally downloading comics from the Internet…and printing them.

STAN LEE MEDIA has announced today that they are suing everyone named Stan, Lee, Stanley, and Stan Lee.

WARNER BROS. has officially announced the Watchmen sequel: “Watchmen II: Another Thing We Do To Piss Off Alan.”

A new villain based on NADYA SULEMAN will debut in Amazing Spider-Man: Doc Octo-Mom.

Don’t forget to tip your waitress!