Charlie Sheen says that he’s clean and focused following an “epiphanous awakening,” and when we figure out just what he means by that we’ll let you know. “I’m on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front,” he told Piers Morgan on CNN.

If victory means practically monopolizing the media, Sheen’s already there. The actor's publicist quit on Monday, saying he is “unable to work effectively” at his job, and it’s no wonder. Charlie Sheen has been calling TMZ, CNN, Good Morning America and -- it seems -- anyone else who’ll pick up the phone.

“My motto is to enjoy every moment,” he explained on CNN. “I don’t think I would trade any of it because I’m still alive, which is pretty cool.” Charlie Sheen is but 45 years old, which is considered a prime age for many male actors.

The CNN segment became one of Sheen’s more lucid interviews in the past few days. He said that he can “sort of understand why” the producers and executives of Two and a Half Men halted production on the show. By the way, Sheen’s show is on CBS, which is owned by Warner Bros. -- which owns CNN as well.

The 8th season of Two and a Half Men remains unfinished, with four more episodes that were originally set for taping this week. In another recent interview with ABC, Sheen stated that he plans to sue CBS for halting the series. “Everybody thinks I should be, like, begging for my job back,” Sheen said to NBC. “It’s everybody else that’s going to be begging me for their job back.”

“Come Wednesday morning, they’re going to rename it Charlie Bros, not Warner Bros.”

That’ll be the day. With his own words, Sheen admitted to CNN that he showed up “a little bit sideways” to some show tapings and even missed some rehearsals, though in all his recent interviews he says he’s clean and sober. ABC even produced a drug test showing that Sheen is negative for 10 different drugs.

“You can’t process me with a normal brain,” Sheen told ABC. “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special.” He controversially ripped addiction specialists and other treatment professionals to CNN, saying they’ve “been lying” to him “for two decades.”

Warner Bros. has sent word to all security personnel at their studios that Sheen is not allowed to go inside. “I think my passion is misinterpreted as anger,” he said. Sheen claims that CBS is “trying to take all my money and leave me with no means to support my family.” He wants to receive an apology from the network “publicly. While licking my feet.”

Again, that’ll be the day. Sheen introduced his TMZ interviewer to his two girlfriends, addressing them as “goddesses,” and has been claiming to have a project in the works with HBO (reports which the cable network denies).

Howard Stern has been saying he’s expecting a telephone call from Sheen, which of course will take place during his Sirius Satellite radio show. Since Sheen seems to willing to talk to anyone and everyone, we’ll go out on a limb and say the chances are good the radio shock jock will get his interview.

We also think chances are pretty good Stern will be completely upstaged by Sheen. For what it’s worth, Charlie Sheen says he’s not at all crazy. “I’ve always had a plan. I’ve executed it perfectly,” he said in one of his many interviews. Hear that, fans? It’s all going according to Sheen’s master plan.