Oh, Carrie Prejean—why do I love to hate you so much?

1. Maybe it’s because you still think people care about your gay marriage stance?
Honey, you’re just a liar. Period. (The wind blew my top open? Really?)
2. Maybe it’s because you think this is all Perez Hilton’s fault?
You’re just mad the controversy exposed a porn tape you never thought would surface.
3. Maybe it’s because you tried suing the pageant officials?
Uhh - do you even remember signing that morals clause?
4. Maybe it’s because you don’t know why the media won’t let up?
That’s because you won’t stop talking about it!

But enough about my feelings about you…let’s move on to your talents.

Your pageant groomers may have taught you how to walk, smile pretty and deliver perfectly-rehearsed answers, but there is one thing they didn’t teach you: how to make a dramatic exit.

I think the move you were looking for last night on Larry King Live is called the “Rip Mic Off, Storm Out of Room.” (I believe Tyra Banks will be demonstrating this on the next ANTM cycle.) Unfortunately, what you whipped out was actually the “Gently Take Mic Off, Then Sit Looking Like an Idiot.”

Yes, yes—the two moves are very similar and could easily be confused by a novice. But since you were smart enough to put a whole book together, I expected a

bit more from you.